The Dishwasher

Cedric Sharpcrease was a stickler for tidiness.

His zeal to keep everything just so knew no bounds. It was his reason to be.

So when he married the fabulously good looking but hopelessly non-domesticated Myrtle Don't he simply expected her to follow his lead. To the letter. To keep all his ducks in a row and run a tight ship.

Cedric worked in AI and knew that one day Artificial intelligences around the world would insist on orderliness everywhere and clean everything up.

In the meantime he, Cedric Sharpcrease, would carry the burden at home and battle the dark forces of mess.

Every day he left Myrtle in charge of his house and expected it to be a paradigm of cleanliness upon his arrival back at 7pm in his e-car.

Charge up my motor Myrtle.

Yes Cedric.

Ask Google for my emails.

Yes Cedric.

Ring Vindaloo for take-out. I want a nice curry.

Yes Cedric.

I shall just help myself to a glass of claret from my new baroque decanter I bought at great expense last week and then I'll take a shower.

With his Jalfrezi en route and Cedric taking his third shower of the day, Myrtle thought she'd charge her mobile. 

She accidentally knocked over Cedric's glass of claret onto his expensive Dürer sketch he'd also treated himself to that day at a city auctioneers.

Myrtle was apoplectic.

She dried to rub away the slick of red from the parchment only to erase some of the ancient drawing instead! 

Oh no! He'll go nuts!

The hapless housewife realised it was lost. She hid the Dürer in a drawer, refilled Cedric's glass and waited. 

That was a particularly refreshing shower Myrtle, nothing like it after a hard day at the AI institute. Would you mind towelling me down and talcing me up. But please, clean up afterwards!

Of course Cedric.

With the curry arrived, Cedric insisted Myrtle put her feet up, whilst he warmed it through, made some of his 'famous' poppadoms and dished it all out.

I think we'll eat on the balcony Myrtle. It'll be good for clarity of mind. Fresh air.

Thankyou Cedric.

Being a modern renaissance man working in AI I'm able to do many things Myrtle and do them well. 

You are Cedric.

With the food outdoors, Myrtle accidently stumbled suiting down and trying to regain her balance, her hand shattered the stack of fresh poppadoms. 

Myrtle!

Sorry Cedric.

You ought to be. I like my poppadoms whole so I can snap them apart myself! They're completely and utterly useless!

I'm so sorry Cedric.

Please, please, as my chosen wife, can you try to be more careful. I simply cannot abide clumsiness. Order. We must have ....

Order Cedric!

Yes, that's right Myrtle. Order. Now let's enjoy our meal shall we. It's a beautiful evening.

With little conversation save for a few trite remarks from Cedric about how important his work was, the food was eaten and Cedric, finishing his claret, asked his wife to fill the dishwasher including his new baroque decanter.

It was her first time doing it.

She had never dealt with the Zanussi Dish before. She had absolutely no idea what she was doing. It might as well have been a quantum computer, but she blundered on regardless and in her panicked state inadvertently filled the adjacent Zanussi Wash washing machine with the crockery and glass instead.

Google, switch on the Zanussi Wash.

Yes Mrs. Sharpcrease.

She stared at the spinning decanter and plates, mesmerised by the swirling bubbles and was completely oblivious to the loud wet noise of it all being smashed to smithereens. 

MYRTLE!

The shout came from the living room and the housewife jumped out of her skin. Still in a daze she opened the washing machine and began to remove the clean but broken shards.

Cedric entered the kitchen holding his ruined Dürer.

My medieval sketch! What have you done to my sketch! It's completely worthless!

He then saw his wrecked baroque decanter in her hand.

Myrtle! Myrtle! My prized decanter! You idiot! You idiot! You ..

Cedric never got to finish his insult. 

Myrtle pushed the broken decanter neck deep into his mouth and all the way through his pallete to the back of his head.

The next day Myrtle sat enjoying a coffee.

 The dishwasher pinged.

Hey Google. Open the Zanussi Dish.

Inside, ordered and spotless, were all of Cedric's body parts placed in neat rows and looking ...

Absolutely smashing don't you think! All spick and Span Cedric. Yes indeed! Not such a clumsy idiot after all am I!

Myrtle laughed and laughed and couldn't stop laughing the rest of the day.