FAGBUT

The day slipped by like a slow wet fart.

Fagbut peeked out from under his gut.

To be exact, it wasn't Fagbut's gut. It was Fo Fum's the giant.

A corpulent gut it was too, hanging over his waistline in a quivering gurgling mass. Fo Fum's overhanging belly was the stuff of legend and Fagbut lived under it on account of his work.

Fagbut's job was to hand Fo Fum, well, fag butts he could toke again. The giant stored them under his gut, where it was moist and flavoursome. Fo Fum liked his roaches damp and cheesy and it was up to Fagbut to make sure they were. Damp and very cheesy.

A typical dispensing of said butt-ends would play out like this.

"Fagbut!" yelled Fo Fum.

"Yes, Squire!" replied Fagbut in a muffled voice beneath the flab.

"Butt!" instructed Fo Fum.

Butt was shorthand for 'I want a new cig-but and pronto!'.

Fagbut would reach out for a choice one nestling in the cheese garden. It was completely dark beneath the belly flap but Fagbut, of impish descent, could see quite well. He was a sort of gut mole. Fagbut would stretch his little muscular arms and offer the chosen item outside the flab, the button-cheese dripping off the end.

"Squire!" Fagbut would shout up towards Fo Fum's head.

"Ta!" replied the giant taking the tab.

'Ta' signified job done, a good butt and all was fine up top. The sound of sucking concluded the mission and Fagbut could relax for about two hours, while the huge fellow slurped and dribbled.

During his downtime Fagbut liked to talk to Buttcrack. Buttcrack was the goblin who's job it was to keep the giant's arse nice and clean. His principal task was to ball up any accumulating dirt and throw it out. The dirt often clung to thick hairs and this is where Buttcrack spent most of his working life, dragging the surplus off these hairs, rolling it into neat pellets and chucking them out of the giant's loincloth. He was basically a dung beetle.

Fagbut loved to talk to Buttcrack because his job was so much more dangerous and smelly than the belly-flab detail. Buttcrack would have it for another four years before Fagbut would have to rotate down there and Buttcrack would go higher up to the ears and become Lug'ole as part of the Official Fo Fum Body Maintenance Rota. Fagbut would become Buttcrack but he really didn't want to think about that now. Now he just wanted to irritate the current incumbent of the giant's rump.

"Buttcrack, oh Buttcrack! You finished rollin' shit?" teased Fagbut clinging onto a particularly long belly hair erupting from a humungous pustule on Fo Fum's gut.

"Yeah, just. You done rollin' cheese?" quipped Buttcrack climbing up Fo Fum's left buttock using dried-up blisters as hand and footholds.

"Don't talk to me about cheese! Its like chuffin' Cheddar Gorge down there! I'm not kidding, if its gets any grosser I'll have to quit!" Fagbut complained picking his large nose.

"Quit!" laughed Buttcrack, "You can't quit! No goblin of the House of Fum has ever willingly left office! It's our sworn duty to serve the giant's bodily functions until we drop dead. So was it ever thus and so shall it be!" explained Buttcrack edging round Fo Fum's drooping gut on an old thick love-bite.

"The House of Fum stinks! Its more like the House of Chum!" Fagbut jibed, "I want a transfer to one of those cushy numbers up top like Chinscratch or Headrub! Sod the turd floor as well. I'm done down here!" moaned Fagbut.

"You've only done a year Fagbut! You've four years to go mate so get used to the fresh cheese counter, 'cos you ain't going nowhere fast!"

"I tell you Arsepart, I'm goin' upstairs and my promotion starts now!"

"Don't call me Arsepart!" fumed Buttcrack.

Fagbut looked yonder at the giant's head at least a full fifty feet up. It might as well have been a sewer mile. Fagbut quivered but then pinched himself. He began to climb, warm thoughts of becoming Chinrub egging him on.

"I'm going now!" he shouted to Buttcrack.

"You cheesy slacker, you'll be back for tea!" yelled Buttcrack as his friend rose higher up Fo Fum's boil-peppered belly. 

It was slow progress.

Zits began to burst but Fagbut persevered. He looked down and couldn't see his rectal mate anymore. He was really high up.

Fo Fum burped.

"Yikes!"

He clung on to an especially large yellow-topped pimple and began to have second thoughts about his new career plan.

Two hours had passed pratting around.

"FAGBUT!" roared Fo Fum.

"Yes Squire!" beamed Fagbut  and clasping a long armpit hair it unfurled and he abseiled as fast as a toilet rat down his master's paunch.

"F-A-G-B-U-T!" bawled Fo Fum making his vast frame shake. It shook so much a nice cheesy tab-end slipped from under his gut-flap straight into the grateful arms of Fagbut.

"BUTT!"

"Squire!"

"Ta!"

The package was delivered and Fagbut wiped fresh curds from his brow.

"Phew!" he gasped, "Time for a cuppa!"

Buttcrack smiled broadly at his impish friend and slid back happily between Fo Fum's sticky cheeks to roll some new dags.