DRAST

Drast was humming a happy tune. The sunlight skipped through the kitchen window as he mixed a pitcher of lemonade.

He continued to hum as he took the tray outside to the garden peeking through the pergola at his waiting  wife. He loved her so much he could barely contain himself. He would ask her to renew her vows with him today.

"Would you like a sprig of mint on top darling?"

"Oh, Yes please!"

The moment he dropped in the sweet green leaves an explosion of sound commenced from next door drowning out all of their conversation.

"Oh no not again! Not now! Please not now! NOT FUCKING NOW!"

Drast screamed this last lament, a desperate angry plea across the thick hedge towards his neighbour Husk.

Husk was a joiner who just couldn't stop. He brought his work home and that meant lots and lots of noise. he cut stuff up, he sliced things in half, he sawed planks of wood and he trimmed lumber of every sort. he had clients from far and wide needing his skills. He couldn't keep up at the workshop so home it came. As long as was making money he wasn't bothered how much noise he made.

And Christ, he made noise. It was an ear-splitting shamble of revved screeches and metal howls. A never-ending, unceasing din that filled the air like a cancer of sound.

Drast was in the firing line for it all. It ruined his life. It polluted his ears. It blighted his existence. Husk's fucking plague of bastard noise.

Spoiling his wedding vows was the final straw. No more pleas, no more slanging matches through the privet, no more Mr. Nice Guy. Drast would confront Husk once and for all.

He stormed over to the house next door leaving his Wife welling up and her eyes filled with tears. She felt helpless, her husband's drowning all-consuming fury and the awful dreadful drone next door were almost too much for her to bear. She buried her face in her hands just as her husband screamed 'Husk!' in the neighbour's front garden.

Husk didn't hear. He was busy carving up some choice timber and powering through a particularly awkward knot. His Husqvarna shrieked its delight as it tore through the obstacle. He had no idea that Drast was approaching fast to his rear.

"The fuckin' twat, he gets to wears ear defenders while we have to listen to his shit!" thought Drast as his rage grew into a bomb. 

It exploded as he smashed into Husk knocking him headlong onto a huge mound of wood shavings. His chainsaw flew to the side growling like a dog.

"What the fuck! Drast you fuckin' idiot, you could have killed me!" yelled the felled Husk.

"Kill you! I don't want to kill you! I want you to suffer though like I have all these fuckin' years!"

Drast reached for the defenders and violently dragged them off Husk's head.

"I'll take these if you don't mind! I'm going to need 'em! ha ha ha ha!"

Something was snapping in Drast's mind, something flimsy. He hefted the Husqvarna and kicked Husk hard in the chest as he tried to stand.

"Lie down you noisy cunt. I have to concentrate! ha ha"

"Drast, what the fuck are going to dooooooooooooooooooooooooo, Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh!"

Husk never got to finish his question. Drast motored the chainsaw to a terrible squeal and brought it's teeth down on Husk's ankle. First one and then the other. It toothed through the soft flesh and hard bone with ease and Drast was so mightily impressed.

"No wonder you like this shit Husk. It's really great fun!"

His neighbour lay on the woodpile screaming for his life, the pain of his severed feet twisting his words into nonsensical gurneys.

"Ugh, ugh, ogh, arrrrgh!"

"What's that? Ready for more Husk?" asked the now crazed Drast swinging the roaring machine over the man's arms.

"Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!"

The Chainsaw had no difficulty slicing through Husk's wrists. First one, then the other. He looked incredulously as his blood spurted out of his wet stumps and sprayed his face like red warm milk.

"Fantastic! Love it!" yelled Drast, "I think that'll do don't you Husk? Let's face it, you ain't cutting up shit from now on are ya! It'll be as peaceful as the grave round here! ha ha"

He dropped the Husqvarna in the pooling scarlet and picked up Husk's limbs. Struggling to carry them all, he dropped the feet and boots.

"Husk, it's been a pleasure!"

Drast walked back to his garden, where his Wife was waiting, her eyes staring in disbelief at her husband, who was drenched in blood and holding two severed hands.

"Darling! Good news! Husk's agreed to stop making any more noise! It's going to be sweetness and light from now on for us! And look, I've got the perfect wedding ring cushions for our vows!"

Drast got down on one knee in front of his Wife and held out Husk's two palms, each one nestling a neat gold band sat a little pool of blood.

As his Wife fainted Drast's high-pitched laughter could be heard across the street and he just didn't let up. It went on and on through the day and on into the night.

His neighbour on the other side came out and shouted.

"Pipe down you noisy bastard Drast!"