IT REALLY DOES TASTE LIKE CHICKEN!

Rudis had always been a horror nut.

Ever since he could remember monsters had ruled the world.

He'd thought about them at school, in church, in the bath, in work and even at his wedding, where he'd imagined his wife to be the Bride of Frankenstein before he snapped out of it and gave her the ring!

Yes, Rudis was monster mad and in particular he loved the classic types; vampire, werewolf, ghoul, mummy, creature and Frankenstein. He'd seen all the films and attended countless conventions to do his favourite thing, to acquire the autographs of his 'scream' idols as he called them.

Rudis had the signatures of all the horror celebs of his generation like Robert Englund and Clive Barker. He'd even spent a fortune on long dead stars' scribbles like Lon Chaney, Boris Karloff and his prized possession, Bela Lugosi.

He dreamed of having a collection to rival anyone else and fawned over photographs of famous collectors like Forry Ackerman and his famous monsters Ackermansion. The Ackermonster even had a copy of Dracula signed by Bram Stoker and Bela Lugosi, not to mention Christopher Lee! Rudis thought this the coolest, most desirable thing in the world and he would have happily given his left arm to possess such a book!

On his jaunts around conventions Rudis had recently met Hands. Hands was also a big horror fan and introduced Rudis to a new character type that he'd not considered before, the cannibal.

Hands seemed to know all about the sub-genre and they spent many a happy evening together watching the classic films of the Eighties italian boom: Cannibal Ferox, Cannibal Man, Eaten Alive and the mother of them all, Cannibal Holocaust.

Rudis was a little sickened by what he'd seen but he had to admit there was something in it. Hands says it is the fascination in us all, whether we could eat another human being. Even mainstream movies like Alive, about the plane crash in the Andes, had covered the subject and there were many instances of real-live cannibalism in Western society.

"But aren't cannibals just the same as ghouls?" mused Rudis.

"No. Ghouls eat the flesh of the recently deceased." explained Hands.

"So what about Zombies then?" countered Rudis.

"Zombies eat the living, that's true, but they are undead, like Vampires. Foolishly they prefer guts and brains to actual meat. Besides, the Zombie genre is dead. When a zombie sunk its teeth into a shark it sunk to new depths!" retorted Hands, chortling at his own pun.

"No" continued Hands, "Cannibals are real people who covet the taste of living flesh, either raw or cooked. To the everyday person a cannibal is an Amazonian native with a loincloth and a bone stuck through his nose. But cannibals are real modern people enjoying their strange tastes in today's world, often in secret, but sometimes in plain sight."

"Oh Come on Hands. Are you telling me that there are cannibals here in our town eating its residents right under our noses? Its bollocks!"

"Rudis, just look at the slew of modern cannibal flicks. OK, Hannibal Lector made it sexy for the masses but it was Ravenous that really kicked off the new wave - or the new craving as I like to call it - an ace film, set in the Mexican -American War. Have you seen it? Its a good place to start but the new stuff is a cut above. Stuff like Green Inferno and Raw take it to the next level I'm telling you".

"And there's the whole Snuff thing." said Hands

"How do you mean, snuff?" replied Rudis

Hands went on."You know, did people actually snuff it in some movies! There was talk of actors and natives being murdered in Holocaust but the director, Ruggero Deodato, provided evidence to disprove the claims. Even so the rumours persist and there has been speculation whether real cannibals have sneaked onto some film sets as extras and that the films are actually being made for a whole new horde of fine young carnivores!" 

"Good grief. I thought Shadow of a Vampire was a clever satire, the Vampire vamping on set and all that but real cannibals in films watched by cannibals, that's just gross, but kind of cool at the same time!" considered Rudis.

"If you want to find out more about cannibal flicks there's a convention-cum-disco this Saturday night. Its strictly by invite only but eager folk will be coming from all over the country. There's a strong chance some of the actors from Cannibal Holocaust will be there. I know one of the organisers and I reckon I could get us in. You fancy it?" asked Hands

"Do I! Sounds ace. Will Deodato be there? I'd love his autograph," said Rudis already imagining bagging such a notorious name in his book.

"Could be. The guests at these things are always kept under wraps. Its an underground thing, sort of edgy. Totally left-field. Out there. They can attract some real nutters and some unwanted attention from the cops. You know," explained Hands.

"Let's do it!" Rudis exclaimed.

Saturday night came and the two friends made their way to the outskirts of town. They arrived at an abandoned abattoir and knocked on the huge metal shutter. The shutter flew up and in front them stood Leatherface from Texas Chainsaw Massacre.

"Tickets?" he growled through his mask.

Hands handed them over, two unusually worn cards with "It's Splatterday Night! Movies, Dancing and Food for Discerning Tastes".

"Leatherface eh! Nice touch Hands" extolled Rudis.

"Yep, he's the doorman and the chef." Hands explained.

"And an old slaughterhouse! That's genius!" continued Rudis clutching his autograph book in his coat pocket.

They strolled past stalls rammed with DVD's and old VHS, zealous fans stooped over them. Then came a few stands of meat cleavers, kitchen knives, bone saws, skull saws and boning knives. 

"All prop replicas," explained Hands but they looked pretty damn real to Rudis.

There were aprons and huge plastic sheets for sale as well as waders and skullcaps. 

"All for effect. To keep the fans happy," continued Hands.

Next were rows and rows of photographs of famous cannibals like Bundy, Dahmer, Meiwes and Ed Gein, the cult's poster-boy, inspiration for Psycho and Texas Chainsaw. Rudis was getting excited. They were getting closer. He could feel it.

"Where are the actors Hands?"

"Over there in the corner by the ceiling hooks."

Rudis squinted but it was too dark in the corner. They continued to stroll through the abattoir, which was stuffed with fans jostling for the best merch.  They walked past further stalls of cooking equipment, huge chest freezers, plates, jars, decanters and masses of cutlery.

"What's all that lot for Hands?"

"All props mate," he replied but Rudis thought it a bit odd, modern kitchen gear at a film con. He felt his autograph book in his pocket and carried on.

The far end of the place was a dance floor. People were dancing to Maneater by Hall and Oates. There was a glitterball and something was being sprayed over the crowd from the sprinklers in the roof between the meat hooks. Whatever it was, thought Rudis, it was making them go wild. 

A blob of it landed on his face. He tasted it.

"Ugh! Yuk!" It tasted like blood and snot and God know's what. "What the hell is that Hands?"

"Just a little joke. You know, special effects. Fake blood and quorn blitzed up. For the fans mate!"

Rudis felt increasingly uneasy about this con but he followed Hands to the shadows where the actors were meant to be.

As they approached Rudis could see a group of people stood around a large flat metal brazier of glowing coals. The red light lit up their faces and they laughed and smiled as Hands greeted them with strong handshakes.

"Hands, we've been waiting for you! Where's your friend?" they guffawed.

"Don't worry! Rudis is here, right behind me. He's keen to meet you!" Hands went on "Rudis, these guys were all extras in famous cannibal films".

"Oh, that's fantastic! Great to meet you," howled Rudis reaching for his autograph book. "Would you do me the honour of giving me your autographs?"

"Of course! Of course," they enthused loudly stepping round the brazier.

Each one took the book and signed their name in turn and returned it to Rudis.

He stared at the names and the hairs on the back of his neck began to rise as he read them aloud:

"Back, Cheeks, Face, Breast, Thigh, Legs, Feet and ....."

The book was taken from him by his friend.

"...... and Hands. There you go Rudis. All signed!"

"But why, why those names?" stammered Rudis as the group came closer round him.

"It's what we eat my friend and it's what we'll eat of you!" bellowed Hands as Rudis was grabbed by the drooling company, mean fingers ripping his clothes from him and strong arms dragging him flat and face-down onto the red hot brazier.

"Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!" he screamed as Hands reached for a meat fork and a cleaver.

Some time later, after the chum disco had died down and the visitors had gathered round the barbecue, they'd all had their fill and stood licking their greasy fingers and chucking knuckles and ribs into the coals, where a small book of autographs turned to ash.

"Hey guys!" said Hands raising his arms,

"IT REALLY DOES TASTE LIKE CHICKEN!" they shouted together laughing holding femurs, collarbones and vertebrae in the air!