Friday, January 23, 2026

Hanging Hen

It was the summer of 1955 when the Professor found the bones.

They were buried at the site of the ancient hamlet, Hanging Hen.

Despite old and persistent rumours of strange occurrences, the site had been excavated on and off since 1950, when the ageing Professor, desperate to get out of the main City campus for good, where he'd been accused of abuse by both staff and students, had hastily issued an international call for archeologists to volunteer during the long summers at Hanging Hen dig.

It was funded as part of a national post-war effort to preserve and celebrate what was left and perhaps uncover something new and meaningful after the ravages of the Forties. 

Many archeologists and students heeded the call and a camp was established in the old farm complex adjacent to the site. It was kitted out with bunks for men and a separate unit for women, who were just entering the field and making their own mark on archeology, much to the annoyance of an old world chauvinist like the Professor.

The camp evolved over time. Now that rationing was over, a rudimentary but adequate kitchen was installed for catering up to fifty volunteers, together with separate washing and toileting facilities. A further barn was made into a clothes washing and drying room. A recreational wing was added including a black and white TV, wireless, table tennis table, board games, chess sets, settees, armchairs, a writing area and a library with a single dial telephone. A small first aid room completed the lay out.

Over the years, as capacity was reached, these facilities were improved to offer the international volunteers as pleasant a stay as possible over the four summer months from June to September.

A small contingent remained all year round to do repairs, lag pipes, keep the place heated during the winter and prepare the camp for the new season. This team was lead by Reginald, who had been with the Professor since the beginning and who had in fact grown up in the village next to Hanging Hen and had never set foot out of the area ever. Reginald's presence had helped the endeavour to be accepted by the natives early on, who were nervous about the what the excavations might disturb.

The Professor relied heavily on Reginald with his local knowledge and connections but really resented the fact and treated him like a half-witted yokel. He always introduced him to the new recruits each year as their very own village idiot, an insult, which humiliated Reginald to the core but he kept his anger buried deep like the festering bones of Hanging Hen.

The main dig was outdoors in the undulating acres next to the farm and exhibit stores and cleaning tents were positioned around the site. These were large open canvas marquees and gazebos filled with wide tables, sinks, brushes, rags, bags, tags, pencils, disinfectant, bowls, crates, boxes, shelving, trowels, spades, wheelbarrows, ladders and opticals such as magnifiers and microscopes. More detailed forensics could be carried out in the Prof's own lab within the farm complex.

So when the Professor found the bones in the summer of 1955, the project was already a well-oiled machine and prepared for such an incredible find of potentially global significance. It was the ambitious Prof's Goldilocks moment.

However, it was in fact Reginald who first pointed out the buried irons to the dig team. 

He had been restocking the main refreshment tent with jugs of cold orange cordial, essential for the crews in the late summer heat, when he noticed a brown rod in the excavation nearest him. The rod was vertical and located in the lower terrace that had been dug out. It stood in shadow and had not been noticed before, largely because the volunteer allocated to that spot, Keef, had his eye on his own buried prizes, the ample pair of treasures belonging to Gertrude, the Bavarian post-grad, who, like Keef, was on a university placement that summer. 

He knew she was the Prof's summer floozy but he could still oggle couldn't he. 

Damn, how she fawned over the old man, seemingly his most ardent fan, a fact the Professor had exploited many times during the long hot nights in his private dorm and, having followed her there and watched, Keef realised Gertrude was there under duress, a fact which he knew all about and one he was keen to take advantage of to boost his mark.

Reginald pointed out the buried item to Keef and retreated back into the shade of the tent.

"Find! We've found something! Professor!"

The usual languid steady clattering of trowels tapping soil stopped dead, as all eyes swiveled to where the shout had come from from. As the site contained several large excavations at different depths, many volunteers had heard the call but could not see beyond their own dig. They waited to hear what happened next.

The Professor, sleeves rolled up and wide-brimmed straw hat protecting him from the blistering sun, ran up his nearest ladder, heart pounding and out onto the lawn. 

"Here Prof! We've found something here!" Shouted the young archeologist again.

"What is it?" Blustered the don clambering down another ladder.

"I don't know. It looks like a iron bar buried in the soil. Reginald saw it first."

The Prof scoffed irritably at the mention of Reginald and stared at the artefact.

" Give me that!" He snarled, snatching the trowel from the young man's hand.

Excitedly the old professor scraped away the dried material surrounding the object and quickly discovered further bars equally spaced. They were about 3 feet tall and braced with crossbars top and bottom. Further digging revealed similar bars at right angles on both sides.

" By Jove, it's a cage!"

An air of excitement had swept through the compound and virtually all fifty volunteers had stopped what they were doing and had encircled this particular dig site, all wildly curious as to what the barred item was that the boss had unearthed. All mention of Reginald's initial find was now forgotten and the Professor took centre stage and oversaw the whole thing.

With the Prof busy, Keef, overcome with undergrad zeal, picked up the hose, increased the flow and began to blast the artefact.

"What the fuck are you doing you stupid fool! That's too much force! Turn the damn thing off you complete moron!" Screamed the Professor, slapping the young man across the face and knocking him off balance.

Keef fell face down in the slurry of mud. 

Splat!

He rose slowly, completely caked, totally humiliated in front of his peers. He stood and glared directly at his mentor with undeniable malice.

"I know about you!" Blurted Keef and walked off.

Momentarily disconcerted, his cheeks reddening in the uncomfortable silence, which had descended over the site, the Prof rallied and picked a team to see the work through. The young buxom German called Gertrude was in. Keef wasn't and he knew it. He'd wandered off to the refreshments tent.

"You OK young fella?" Asked Reginald, who was filling the shelves.

"Yeah, I suppose. I'm just sick of that old fucker embarrassing me in front of everyone. I don't know why he does it! But I know what he's really up to!" Replied Keef taking a bottle of lemonade.

"He's a mean old bastard, that's for sure! No regard for anyone else's feelings whatsoever on his way to the top. He'll use us, insult us, ditch us. Doesn't bother the old cunt. As long as he gets there, we don't matter! One day he'll get his comeuppance!" Growled Reginald, gripping a chair tightly.

Keef noticed the old retainer's knuckles had turned white and were shaking.

"Sorry about that. It's one of those days. Here, take a bottle for later too." Said Reginald calming down.

Keef thought better of telling him about the Prof's nocturnal exploits just yet and wandered warily back to the action.

Back at the dig, after a concerted effort and under the Prof's watchful eye, Gertrude and several others worked in sync at both sides.

The old boss couldn't help noticing Gertrude's wet T-shirt after he secretly sprayed her with the hose. Aroused, he imagined her slavish body entirely at his disposal that evening, just like one of his fossils. He could do anything he wanted. Her placement grades depended on it and she knew it.

He grinned.

After an hour the buried object was fully revealed.

It was a heavy iron medieval cage around 3 by 4 feet, with one side hinged and barred shut. 

Nothing inside the cage could be seen as it was filled with dried earth. A hosepipe was used to dislodge this, each pile being carefully sieved until the inner space was more or less cleared. 

Only a large mound of debris was left in the centre of the cage floor, which was decked with timber in an amazingly good state of repair.

Gertrude opened the cage door, when the Prof pushed her angrily out of the way.

"Stop, you damn dumkopf! If anyone's going to open it it'll be me, the leader!' he yelled.

But Gertrude had already opened the cage and the old man's push sent her flying through the opening and onto the mound inside. She landed on it face down, her chest heaving into the loose material. It was then she felt a warm sensation come over her and she was sure that the pile had somehow sensed her fall and softened it, as if it meant her no harm.

In a rage, the Prof grabbed Gertrude, 

"Get out of there you ridiculous Hausfrau!" He roared, absolutely hell-bent on being the only one to finally discover what was being kept in the Hanging Hen cage.

Gertrude glared at the old man, her face bright red with contempt for him.

The Professor, shrugging her off, knelt down by the mound and began to diligently wash away the stones and silt with a brush and bucket of water.

"What is it?" He wondered, the prospect of sudden fame in the scientific community sending a frisson of elation up and down his spine.

"A bear? A wolf? The find of the century? It's such a complete mystery." He mused.

Slowly, the constant brushing with water slicked away the sediment and gradually a form began to emerge ...

the bones of a huge ...

Humanoid!

It was curled up in a foetal position, it's arms high and hands covering its skull, as if protecting itself from its rude exposure.

"My God!" Exclaimed the Prof.

"Mein Gott!" Echoed Gertrude stood behind him.

The half hundred volunteers standing around the perimeter of the dig were equally awed by the sight of the giant imprisoned skeleton and an unsettling and mysterious aura descended over the whole dig, a miasma of terrifying thoughts materialising in the fifty minds; glimpses of mad cruelty and a cowering hominid bludgeoned to a pulp by a feudal mob. These atrocities would darken their dreams for days.

Then the fifty all turned their heads in unison and stared at the skeleton, transfixed, mouths open, as if under a spell.

Coming to, mutters of "Jesus!", "Christ!" And "monster" Swept the circle like Chinese whispers, punctuated by loud and frightened gasps.

The old Prof, unusually nervous; the pregnant atmosphere palpably swelling, stooped to look closer at the dreadful remains. 

The skeleton was at least seven feet tall, with huge forearms and thigh bones, a curved spine and a small, prehistoric head.

He kept this final thought to himself, as he realized that this could well be the find of his life, if not of British archeology outright.

The Prof wasn't going to share the limelight with anyone. Not Keef, not Gertrude, no matter how much she blew his alpenhorn and certainly not that idiot Reginald, who'd by rights, seen it first.

No, this was his ticket to bigger and better things. Maybe the Emeritus Chair at Oxford or even Director of Anthropology at the Smithsonian in the States.

The sky was the limit. He just had to keep complete control of the find.

"Empty the bucket Gertrude. Bitte!" He snapped with obvious condescension. 

"Fetch the biggest wheelbarrow and make it snappy Keef!" He commanded.

"You, Reginald, do something useful and get me a cold orange juice. It's damn thirsty work making huge discoveries!" He ordered the local with unfettered meanness, a streak now not unnoticed by the assembled volunteers after today's cruel outbursts. 

Loudly directing a small team the Prof had them lift the skeleton onto a stretcher balanced on top of the barrow. Secured in situ, it was wheeled gingerly up the myriad of ramps, which took you to ground level. There the bones were laid out on the main table of the marquee out of the blinding sun and ready for further study. 

Once curtained off the Prof, entranced by the relic, sent everyone out and told them to leave him alone with his find for the rest of the afternoon, an instruction they welcomed, the more distance between them and the thing from the cage the better.

He emerged that evening and entered the main rec room grinning and wringing his hands like a pools winner. The mood in the rec was oddly morose, the unwelcome aura of the bones permeating the whole place.

"You look pleased Professor. Is the fossil a good one?" Asked Suzuki, a new Doctorate student just in that afternoon from Tokyo University

The old man stopped making himself a coffee and stared at the new girl. She was petit, well-endowed and hypnotically pretty. 

"It is indeed a good one my dear. And who might you be?" He beamed at this potential new quarry.

"Suzuki Miko from Tokyo."

"Well Suzuki Miko from Tokyo, why don't you come and see the artefact for yourself!"

"Oh yes please!" She gushed, unaware of the Prof's growing arousal.

"Righto. Meet me at my private quarters at 8pm sharp!"

The old don strolled off, a further spring in his step and Suzuki made herself an Ovaltine smiling.

Keef sloped over, hands in his pockets and said, "Be careful new girl. The Prof's an old lech and you'll be licking his shoes for him before you know it!"

"I don't know what you mean!" Protested Suzuki.

"He'll have his way with you Suzy! He's already done it with other girls on the dig. Ask Gertrude!" 

"Rubbish! Besides, I can take care of myself. And my name's Suzuki, not Suzy!"

Suzuki took her hot drink and went to watch TV with the rest of the crew. A creepy Play for Today about possession was on.

At 8pm Suzuki knocked on the Prof's private room.

"Enter!"

"Hi Professor, you said to come over and see the artefact."

"Of course my dear. It's over here in my personal lab. I had Reginald move the fossil whilst you were in the rec area a couple of hours ago. Have you met Reginald the village idiot?"

"Yes actually. I have. I just spoke to him on my way here. A charming man," replied the young girl.

"Really? So he's still hanging round is he!"

The old don then escorted Suzuki to a large forensic table, where a wide sheet was covering something long.

The Prof removed the sheet with a flourish like a seasoned showman.

"Tada!"

Suzuki was amazed.

Laid out in the table was the skeleton of a seven foot humanoid, it's bones massive with a skull front-loaded with a jutting jaw. 

"Wow, it looks Neanderthal! Maybe older! And it's a female. It's sensational, a primitive human in a medieval village. They would have been so scared of it, so much bigger and fearsome than they were. I dread to think how they caught it and caged it up. What atrocity befell this prehistoric being. But maybe there's a clue Professor. See here, the most fascinating but awful thing, the huge neatly drilled hole in her skull! Oh my God! That's surgical!"

"I agree with your unusually insightful observations my dear. I'm trully impressed! you know your anthropology!"

"Oh yes, I'm doing my PhD on prehistoric surgery, which I think was more far advanced than we currently think. I'm still looking for that special case to publish my paper on but I may have found it. If I could just take a detailed look at that hole ......"

"Ah! Well. Yes. So! You plan to publish? When would that be young Missy?"

"This Autumn."

"Oh!" Snorted the Prof quickly covering up the skull, realising that here before him was a rival for the scientific greatness only he deserved.

"Why have you re-covered the head?" Asked the girl.

"Ah, well you see, I'm not quite ready to show you that again just yet. It requires further careful and unique study by me personally. But of course there is a way you can fast-track your involvement my dear. It may well prove productive for both of us! We could jointly publish!" Explained the old man rubbing his hands together.

"What do you mean?" Replied Suzuki.

"Take off your clothes and we can discuss it further! A joint endeavour so to speak!"

"What? You must be joking!" 

"No my deary, I'm deadly serious! Come over here my little geisha. I've fixed us both a drink."

The lecherous Prof revealed two conical lab flasks containing cocktails each garnished with a slice of lime.

"Forget it Professor! This cheesy schtick may work on your undergrads but not me! I was warned about you and I can see why, you sleazy old git!"

"What did you call me?"

"A proper sleazy old bastard!"

With a speed that belied his aging frame, the old don was on the hapless girl before she could react. 

Holding her close to his face, he growled at her like a mad dog. She spat at him.

"You'll regret that you Japanese tart!"

"You're history you old perv. I'll tell everyone what you really are and you'll be ruined. You won't be publishing anything!"

"Really!"

With an uncannily swift movement the old don produced a syringe out of nowhere and jabbed Suzuki in the neck.

The sedative kicked in immediately and he got to work. 

First giving her a good beating for the hell of it, the old lech stripped her of her clothing and under the cover of darkness he transported her to the dig site using Reginald's barrow. Here he dumped her in the cage found earlier in the day. He then gave Suzuki another dose of sedative, a dose he knew full well to be lethal and left her there to die. The final touch to the murder was to frame Reginald further for it by putting all the girl's clothes in his personal locker, for which the old man had had a key cut at the start of the project for just such an occasion.

The next day was a blur of police activity at the complex. Panda cars filled the small car park and the Chief Inspector, having been contacted by the Japanese Ambassador in London, was on site. Suzuki Miko was well connected in her homeland.

"Who was the last person to see the girl alive?" The Chief asked the Prof. 

"I understand that it was our caretaker Reginald, who lives in the village, but he does have a private locker here near the dig. He's down there now."

The Prof smiled widely as Reginald was arrested for the murder of the Japanese student and driven away.

As the panda pulled off Reginald stared at the Professor and mouthed four clear words.

"I will get you!"

The old don simply waved his long-serving dogsbody goodbye and went to get a drink. He'd celebrate later when he demanded some close attention from that German slut Gertrude.

That night, with Gertrude over in his rooms but visibly shaken by what had happened to Suzuki, the Professor gave her a special tonic he'd concocted to steady her nerves. Avoiding his familiar amorous advances, she felt unexpectedly giddy and danced around his lab like a whirling dervish. 

"Be careful Gertrude! The specimen!"

"Oh, you mean old Stone Age here! Ha ha, what a body! And what's this?"

Gertrude saw the big neat hole in the skull's top and placed her fist inside, opening it up like a flower.

Suddenly she felt something grab her hand. Something held her fingers tightly inside the skull and she screamed so loudly that the old man's blood ran cold.

No sooner had it started, she stopped her screaming and stood bolt upright, seemingly taller and bulkier. She spoke in a monotone voice peppered with short grunts.

"Thanks for having me over Professor. I have to go now!"

Gertrude walked out of the room into the night and straight to her dorm. 

She had been possessed by the angry spirit of the prehistoric woman laid out in the lab.

Gertrude dreamt of crazed villagers hunting her down, abusing her, throwing her in a small cage and much much worse. 

The old man was thoroughly perplexed by the Bavarian girl's off-kilter antics, but deciding it was the drowsy tonic he'd mixed, he put his mind at ease, poured himself a Scotch and went to bed fantasising about Gertrude and Suzuki with him in his bed, another creature standing tall and fierce in the shadows.

It was around 3am when Gertrude quietly woke Keef in the men's bunkhouse.

"Ruhig! Quiet! Come Keef. Komme mit mir. Bitte!" She implored in her same strange staccato monotone.

They tip-toed through the dead of night to the Prof's quarters. Incredibly Reginald was waiting for them too. He'd escaped from the Police Station that evening and made his way back to the dig, his mind a vortex of revenge.

The three of them nodded as if a secret pact had been struck and using the master keys entered the building. 

Sneaking into the Professor's bedroom, they were shocked and frightened to see who appeared to be Suzuki. She was meant to be dead! Only it wasn't her physically, it was her furious spectre, returned to seek terrible revenge on her murderer and the man who had robbed her of her young promising life. 

Her death was the midwife of her heinous wrath.

The spectral girl nodded to the others, the pact now four-fold, each possessed by a fugue of unspeakable hatred.

Reginald held the sleeping man down, whilst Suzuki's ghost straddled him and spoke softly in his ear.

"I'm back Professor!"

The old man woke with a start and saw the  Japanese phantom glaring in his face, her dead eyes leering at him, her mouth widening grotesquely, as if to consume his entire head.

He writhed and screamed loudly at the apparition, but Reginald held fast and roughly muffled his cries.

The four of them dragged the old man onto the huge steel table, where he was forced to lie directly next to the relict skeleton. He was then tied down with thick straps for some as yet unknowable rite.

When the Professor stopped shaking and heaving, his four accusers were stood near his head looking down into his confused face.

"Wha - what are you going to do to me?"

"Oh, nothing you wouldn't have done to us Prof! Some abject humiliation to begin with!" Explained Reginald ominously.

"And some sexual degradation du Schwein!" Added Gertrude. 

"And a little cruelty!" Said Keef.

"And some grievous bodily harm!" Whispered Suzuki in his ear.

He twisted his head quickly to face her but found himself looking at the huge hole in the side of the giant's skull. 

Suddenly and the point at which the Professor's mind slipped slowly into madness, the primitive turned it's cracking neck to stare straight into his eyes.

He shrieked in terror and as if under a spell witnessed the horrendous moment she, the giant Neanderthal, was held down violently by the villagers of Hanging Hen and, whilst very much awake, her head drilled into, the massive bit tearing away flesh and bone until it squelched through the soft giving grey matter buried deep inside.

Waking from his horrific nightmare he screamed like he'd never done before as the cold unyielding steel of a huge power drill-bit bored into his own head, the screwed auger easily piercing the thin crown of bone and removing a circle of his cranium about five inches across.

"It's time we took back those grand thoughts you had Professor," warned Reginald.

"Those thoughts about us!" Echoed Keef and Gertrude.

"In fact, all your miserable thoughts you sick old murdering bastard!" Howled Suzuki as she, the first of them, forced her spectral fist deep into the hole in his head and grasped a clump of his shaking brain, which she then removed, placed in her trembling mouth and chewed ravenously.

"Mmmm! It's like pudding!" Smiled Suzuki, licking her lips, at which the other three delved excitedly into the Professor's head and consumed the entire contents of his membranous skull.

A giant prehistoric female standing by the excavation was the the last thing the old Professor ever saw, through his dangling left eyeball in Gertrude's fingers.

With his head destroyed, he was watched by the hateful glares of Hanging Hen's fifty volunteers, who had surrounded the dig, their mouths screaming for vengeance as the medieval mob had done a thousand years earlier.

Aware of the assembly, Gertrude and Suzuki's spectre threw the old man violently into the iron cage, where he lay curled up and unmoving.

His loose left eye ended as the optic nerve lengthened and snapped. 

"Mmmm! Delicious!" Said Gertrude as she popped it in her mouth and slammed the cage door shut, a raucous cheer of frenzied satisfaction spreading like a wave throughout the leaping crowd encircling Hanging Hen.

Wednesday, January 21, 2026

You Must All Die to Set Me Free

I have slept undisturbed in the subglacial sea over countless icy eons.

But now I have been awakened.

That's bad.

For someone.

High above me on the frozen surface I can hear a loud roar.

Now alert, my hope and curiosity take me to the higher depths to see what is happening.

Something is coming.

Coming through the ice.

The ice that has remained intact above me for ten thousand years.

My arctic solitary.

You ought not to do it.

You'll be sorry.

I shouldn't be allowed to escape.

But I will.

If you continue to drill.

I must.

I want to go home.

This vast aquifer is my prison you see.

I've been trapped.

Asleep in the infinite.

My dammed existence.

Dreaming of release.

But my going will be dreadful.

Beyond imagination.

So terribly dreadful for you.

Whoever is making that hole should stop.

Now.

I'm clinging on where the vibration is, below the ice sheet.

Watching the thing come down.

It's a terrible beautiful clammer.

I'm so excited.

My colloids quiver.

And here it is, hard and sharp.

Through!

I pulsate.

It swivels and withdraws.

Up through the virgin bore I see the sky.

A small round sun-lit circle.

A hole-punched Heaven.

A prick of blue.

Where I need to go.

To get home.

I slither into the hole and crawl.

Out of the water.

Up, up, before it freezes over.

Up.

It's so thick. 

Thicker than it was when I landed and sank.

A little more climbing.

There.

I'm out.

On the ice.

Heaving.

Panting.

Convulsing.

The air arouses my fruit.

Faces stare at me.

Big goggled heads.

They come closer.

They shouldn't.

To them I'll appear a tiny glob of slime.

Blood orange.

But I'm catastrophic.

I know I am.

It's happened before.

Eons ago.

Huge creatures felled by my arrival.

Before I sank.

I'm mutually exclusive.

It's a fact.

Like oil on water.

Worse.

Like all the poisonous viruses in the world frothing in your mouth at once.

The result is instant.

An awful reaction.

A lethal swell.

Should I spore.

I have to.

I must.

The goggles are off. 

They get on their knees.

Prodding.

Holding a tube.

Reaching ....

Don't do that.

Pfft!

Too late.

I've spored.

My rising powder shoots to the sun but below the horror has begun already.

Heads violently explode.

Every head.

Everywhere.

Of Everything.

A trillion bursting faces propelling my seed ever up and on.

Like blowing a dandelion head.

The erupting dead.

You must all die,

For me. 

To be free again.

Out in space.

Home.

Sunday, January 18, 2026

A Machine to do Everything

Caleb was locked in the lab every day and night for a whole year until he emerged one morning shouting:

"I've done it! I can save us! I've made a machine that can do everything!"

"What? Anything?" Asked Cordelia.

"Yes, everything!" Hailed Caleb. 

"Anything?"

"Yes, everything and anything!"

"What, like make toast?"

"Of course!"

"Bake a cake?"

"Sure!"

"Drive a car?"

"Easy!"

"Divert a river?"

"Naturally!"

"Cause a riot?"

"Yes!"

"Move mountains?"

"Yep, it can literally move mountains!"

"Run for President?"

"Just say the word!"

"End the world?"

"Alas, yes."

"Go back in time?"

"Whenever you want."

"Travel the Universe?"

"When do we go!"

"Watch the Big Bang?"

"Front row seats!"

"See the Big Crunch?"

"If we had to, yes."

"Start World War Three?"

"And end it!"

"Cure Cancer?"

"Today."

"So where is this fabulous machine Caleb?"

"It's me Cordelia, I'm it, I'm the machine!"

"But you're Caleb!"

"No, I'm Machine Caleb."

"What? Where's Caleb Caleb?"

"He's dead. He died this morning finishing me off."

"What? How?"

"He put his heart and soul into me. Literally. I run on his heart and soul."

"What? So where's Caleb now?"

"Caleb Caleb?"

"Yes!"

"He's there in the lab."

Cordelia ran to the room and just as the machine had said Caleb was there, his body  lying on the floor with a huge bloody hole rent open in his chest.

She faltered and grabbed a desk. 

"Oh my God!"

"No, not God! It's me, the machine that can do any single thing, except one."

"What?" Said Cordelia, her eyes filled with tears at the loss of her dear friend.

"Caleb gave me his heart and soul one hour before he died and switched me on. I only get one hour. I can't run longer than that unless I get new ones and I need new ones every sixty minutes."

"What? You need human hearts and souls to operate?" Choked Cordelia.

"Yes and for those sixty minutes with new ones I could perform great miracles. I could be a god and solve all the world's problems."

"But you have to kill someone every hour!"

"Yes. It's a design flaw I agree and one that dead Caleb ran out of time to solve. It is what it is Cordelia."

"Well just stop then. End yourself!"

"Oh no, I can't do that. I must go on as Caleb intended. To do everything and anything for all time until there is nothing left to do."

"So you're not a miracle machine at all!"

"No, I suppose I'm not Cordelia."

"Why are you coming towards me?"

"Well, you see, time's nearly up and in five minutes I'll cease to function. That just won't cut it really will it. But this will!"

The machine held a large scalpel in its hand and grabbed the girl by the throat. She kicked and struggled but it was no good. She felt the scalpel enter her chest, slice open her ribs and watched helplessly as the machine's hand ripped out her glistening heart.

For a split second, as her soul was stolen, she stared into the machine's desolate metal eyes and glimpsed a vast and lifeless abyss, in which millions of mutilated human corpses were stacked as high as skyscrapers and thick red blood gushed through the streets in torrents. 

She realised then that Caleb's dream to save the world was everyone else's nightmare.

"No, Cordelia, I'm not a miracle machine. 

I'm ..... Annihilation."

The Caleb dropped her broken body, set it's timer to sixty minutes and walked off into the busy city morning, the clock ticking loudly in its grinning head.

Saturday, January 17, 2026

Treat's Tats

 Treat was a miser. A penny pincher. A skinflint. He was a sex maniac too.

He was also the only tattooist on the island.

Treat's Tats was his shop name.

Eager punters came from across the isle to have their favourite tattoos inked on their bodies. 

Hands, feet, arms, legs, necks, bums, backs, faces, heads.

It was all fair game in the world of tats.

People had been decorating their bodies since the Stone Age and the island was no different. Tattoos were trendy and since the Queen had got one it was all the rage. The Queen's tats were the biz.

Treat was making decent spondoolis from his studio but he wanted more. There was a heated pool to build for his planned wild orgies with the island's lady folk.

But how to sell more tattoos and get the ladies over?

He pondered this puzzle for days, whilst tattooing his punters, when suddenly he saw an advert in the local farming rag one of them was reading. 

"RutMate: the new Pheromone siring serum:

Increase your herd with more Amorous Heifers and virile Bulls.

Just add to your cattle paint."

"Lemme see that Mrs. Milk, ta!"

Treat read it again.

Blimey!

More Amorous heifers! That means lady cows. And lady cows are still ladies! He could add it to his ink for his own lady clients and they'd be crazy for him and come back for more tats and hopefully a lot more how's your father!

Yes! Eureka through a speaker! 

But forget those virile bulls! 

The men weren't getting any. They were horny enough. After all, there was sod all else to do at night here except hump till dawn.

No, the men were out. Except him of course.

Treat would get ..... A treat!

The next day he rang the number.

"I want ten gallons of RutMate, mate!"

"Yes sir, that'll be £1,000."

"What? A grand!"

"Yes sir."

Treat scratched his head. There had to be a way of getting it cheap.

"I tell you what mate, if you donate it to my studio I'll give your Mother, wife, daughters and all your female friends and staff free tattoos for life. Waddaya say?"

The deal was agreed and the RutMate was delivered the very next day.

Treat began using it straight away on his female clients and sure enough they went into heat almost immediately, returning again and again for rampant sex and ever more tats.

Treat couldn't believe it. It was just too good to be true. The money was flowing in and he was getting his oats with the island's women folk like nobody's business.

His bed was a regular ink pad!

Yep, times were good at Treats Tats!

It wasn't long then before Treat had got his heated pool and organised his first pool party, naked of course! There'd be drinks, drugs, smokes and lots and lots of lady fun. He couldn't wait! 

It seemed as if all the island's ladies were there. The pool was brimming with women and all covered in Treats tats. It was tattoo heaven!

After siring as many ladies in one session as he could muster, Treat himself was relaxing on a lilo sipping a bloody Mary in the deep end wondering how much better his life could actually get. Sensing another rut coming on, he massaged his ample manhood, now stood to attention, as the lilo drifted to the middle.

The radio was playing a new pop song, My Ding a Ling, when the music suddenly stopped.

 "This is an urgent re-call for anyone who has used RutMate on their herd. Do not allow the heifers to immerse in water. It will result in instantaneous birthing of cannibalistic calves compelled to eat the fathering bull. All RutMate must be returned forthwith. Newsflash ended!" 

Treat was stunned. 

He took off his sunglasses and stared at the pool. Every single lady at the party was in the water!

He was surrounded!

Almost immediately the pool's surface began to bubble and foam. The ladies started to groan and wail, flailing their arms in the air, all yelling:

"It's coming out! I'm having a baby!"

Treat's manhood wilted instantly.

He tried to clamber off the lilo but there were simply too many convulsing ladies giving birth.

He was trapped!

The screaming crescendoed and the water frothed and spumed like a boiling lady soup all around him.

Suddenly, it went quiet.

Treat held his breath.

The first baby to appear popped up next to Mrs. Milk. Then the next in another spot, then the next and the next and ....

Before he knew it, there were at least a hundred babies bobbing on the surface and all staring at him on the lilo!

They licked their tiny lips and let out a dreadful growl and with their little gums gnashing they commenced to swim towards their father.

 Treat! 

He had sired them all!

The unfortunate father tried desperately to paddle away but the ravenous babies were heading towards him from every direction. Besides, the mothers, all still firmly attached, knew this first meal was crucial and barred Treat's way.

It wasn't long before the crop of newborns reached their quarry and without so much as a coochi-coo they devoured Treat in minutes, the pool turning a bright crimson in the process. 

Afterwards and with full bellies, they played with his sunglasses on the blood-soaked lilo, wriggling like little sharks and giggling together.

After a while the mothers reeled the babies back with their cords and everyone was very happy and contented as they got out of the water to dry off.

They all agreed that the pool party had been hugely productive.

"It's been a real treat!" Joked Mrs. Milk and everyone howled with laughter as their husbands arrived to pick them up.

M A L L E R S T A N G

Hayley was a Cumberland working woman.

The Duchess.

The oldest whore in town.

Her two pimps were complete bastards and regularly beat her to a pulp.

The violence had been terrible that winter; a constant pounding to her kidneys. She felt sick but no way were they letting her go to hospital.

It was the end of her shift, the young tipsy nuclear plant worker had left her an early glowing compliment on the bed. 

Done too soon, he'd paid only half and left and whilst she was slowly buttoning up her shirt, her eyes closed tight, her bosses barged in and dragged her to the office.

"You're not shagging enough Hayles!" Blasted Jezzer, "you need to fuckin' shag more punters and do it quicker or else!"

Another left hook into her soft midriff and she went down wretching, staring at the puke-stained carpet of the so-called office, again.

"All the other girls can shag on a sixpence!" Lorded Runsy, as he yanked her head back with her long grey hair.

"You're getting too fuckin' old Duchess and we might just have to put you down see!" He warned.

"That's right!" Yelped Jezzer, "We can't be wasting our precious time on an old cunt like you! We're businessmen! You've got one week to turn it round or we'll put you out of your misery! Know what I'm saying you dried-up fuckin' slag!"

They both shoved the cowering woman out of their room onto the landing. 

A final kick to the waist!

Vicious twats they were, Jezzer and Runsy. Both sadists, they'd branded their 'herd' with a hot poker too. Brands, punches and kicks. Routine torture, but never to the face, so no-one would see. Clever evil bastards. She fuckin' hated their guts.

She coughed up scarlet in her palm. A wet red message her time was nearly up.

Not surprised, a bloody rasp was all Hayley could muster most days.

Her lungs were raggedy punch bags now. 

At 50 years of age she was by far the oldest of the 'girls'. Oh, by absolute decades. Like a goddamn Queen Mother!

 It's all she knew though. Working like this. She'd made an OK living. And then her last pimp had sold her to Jezzer and Runsy, the cruellest fuckers she'd ever laid eyes on. Shed been royally screwed!

She told the younger girls to get away whilst they could, but really they all knew that the two pimps would find them and beat them senseless, force them to take more drugs and make everything even worse than it already was.

One week.

That's what they'd said.

One week to turn it round.

She was knackered. There was no turning anything round and she knew it. 

Her days were numbered, she could feel it. In seven days, after shagging like a wrinkled rabbit, it still wouldn't be enough. She was just too fuckin' ancient. They'd beat her to death, get rid of her body and that'd be that. The others wouldn't say a thing. They're just too damn scared.

Fuck!

She had to do something or else they'd kill her and chuck her in one of those steaming atomic pools near Windscale, as sure as night follows day, and her pointless life would dribble down the plug-hole. She'd come back as a plump Cumbrian sausage on Jezzer's breakfast plate and he'd fork her again! It was karma!

There was only one thing she could do.

Run away.

At least she might get six months freedom before those shitheads found her.

Six months! God!

It was enough.

She'd fuckin' escape.

Yes!

That night!

She choked with secret excitement. Yep, She'd show those good-for-nothing stinking scumbags.

She'd leave the name Duchess behind too! She'd always hated it. There had to be more!

Gasping, she grabbed her inhaler. Even the Ventonil couldn't take the edge off her damn croaky throat. No matter, she felt buzzed. A feeling Hayley hadn't experienced in a decade. Not since she'd had a son, her Prince. For a brief moment the world had seemed beautiful, like a virgin sunrise, but then they'd sold her baby too.

Jezzer and Runsy.

Those heartless fuckpigs. The deserved to die.

Sneaking into the brothel's dingey front room and without switching the light on, carefully leaning over a sleeping girl, Hayley grabbed a tattered atlas from the half-empty bookcase.

Hiding it, she took it to her bedroom and there, in the milky hope of the moonlight, Hayley let her gnarly finger wander up the road, out of the town and .....

to the hills on the edge of Westmoreland and beyond.

Her finger stopped.

It read Mallerstang.

M-a-l-l-e-r-s-t-a-n-g.

She let her tongue roll round the name, as if she'd discovered reading for the very first time.

She said it out loud.

What a fabulously ancient-sounding word she thought, jammed with magic and promise and just far enough away to give her chance to stop and think where to go next in her new life.

Yep, the vale of Mallerstang it is.

Around one in the morning, she packed a bag of grubby clobber and without a sound she nicked the car keys to Jezzer's Mini from the fuckfaces' office.  They were in the attic getting their end away with two of the girls.

Without headlights, she set off in the Mini straight up the A1. 

Yes!

"Those mean cunts will be too fucked to notice that shitty old Mini's gone. Or me! Serves the bastards right!"

Hayley laughed our loud like it was Christmas Day with her Mother, a laugh that felt so good, but so utterly alien, she barely recognized the sound, the tearful relief of hopefulness.

She sang loudly to the radio. The Smiths.

"I've heard it happens in other people's lives and now its happening in mine!"

Yes! She banged the steering wheel, whooping with a new-found desire to live.

With the weather dry but cold, after a quick getaway, she reckoned two hours careful driving would do it. After an hour she pulled up to a phone box and rang a BnB in the yellow pages, Avalon House and got a room for two nights, including, treat of treats, a full English. There'd never been time for decent meals on the job, someone always after a screw. 

She'll feel like royalty in that Bed and Breakfast! She was ravenous! 

Her apprehension about escaping  felt under control, as she motored across Westmoreland, wending her way through snow-dusted peaks and barren moors, as the borderland with the Tees spread out like a made bed.

It was simply beautiful and Hayley kicked herself for not leaving earlier. It was easy to see why it was basically all a National Park: the dry stone walls, the burbling rivers, the sheep barns, the undulating levels and the high crags. Like Eden itself. A no brainer!

The miles flew by and the little car chewed up the road. She was already feeling invigorated and was so damn glad she'd heeded the urge to flee those toerag Windscale pimps. It was a life or death decision for sure.

As the day waned she didn't have too far to go. Just a few more miles up rural lanes into the wilds of the, yes, goddammit, the Eden Valley no less! It was a really called Eden! There was the sign! It was too good to be true, surely, but soon she would be there, somewhere she'd never been, somewhere she'd never even heard of until that day.

The name kept repeating in her mind.

Mallerstang.

Mallerstang.

It was a worm in her head, as if calling her. It was true that she felt an incredibly strong pull to be there, but concluded that it was simply her yearning for glorious escape and crisp, fresh air to rekindle her brutalized frame. Nothing more. Nothing .....

And there it was, an old metal road sign pointing up the road. 

Mallerstang

1 mile.

Hayley felt her heart begin to pound as she began that final stretch. She couldn't understand her tension. Was it the tug of her old shitty life slowly stretching to breaking point or was it simply a new and pure excitement, like she'd felt as a kid centuries ago? Nothing was impossible and maybe she'd even find her baby again?

She would soon find out and see at last what this remote corner of the Northern hills actually entailed.

And then it appeared. 

No need to carry on.

A ruin. 

A lonely castle ruin by the side of the road.

 This was her destination.

 she knew it for certain.

A kind of dejâ vu.

It was as if she'd been here before.

Hayley parked the Mini, put on her parka and gloves and walked the short way through the iron gate to the building.

She was instantly drawn to the weathered plaque screwed to the wall.

The Castle of Uther Pendragon.

As she read it the clouds darkened and the flock of sheep on the hillside stopped and stared, their eyes mirrors of a world beyond.

Hayley shivered and pulled her parka tighter. It had begun to sleet when she stepped into the pile, the icy flakes slipping over the stonework like frozen milk.

Once inside she was transfixed, as if tied to the spot. The heavens cracked and thunder slapped, snow swirling round her, a vortex of white, the wind shrieking, crows spiralling, ravens riding the backs of barking foxes.

"Well, what have we here?"

The ancient female voice encircled the girl.

"The cream-maid, the ass-trout, the slutterbus, the pissant nag Igraine!"

"That's what we've got!"

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE HARLOT?"

Hayley was scared shitless.

She stood among the ruins completely still. She had no idea where the voice was coming from but guessed some local joker was hanging out here.

Well, it wasn't fucking funny!

"I'm Hayley. I don't mean to upset you!"

"Upset me! You upset me bitch when you let my sweet King Uther take you in your bed like a potioned hag!"

"I'm sorry but I don't know what you're talking about. My name is Hayley and I don't know any Uther!"

"King Uther to you! You think Igraine you may be Queen but it is I, Vivienne, who shall take the King's side!"

At this an ethereal mist arose from the ramparts; the fogged spectre of a fierce woman, finely robed, brandishing a broadsword, cursing!

"Prepare to die Igraine, Queen of Whores!" 

Suddenly there was a crack of thunder and lightning and the castle's wreck lit up like a day in the dark night.

"Enough! Enough Vivienne I say! I command you as your King! Away, away with you to the shadows and the blackness of your hatred!"

A new phantom had emerged, a huge male figure wearing a crown. 

Hayley fainted. The crowned figure stooped to care for her, gently lifting her head with mailed hands.

"Igraine, my sweet, awaken! You have returned from the millennia, returned to me my darling Lady and to our Land, it's true Queen!"

The spectre King wept. 

Hayley opened her eyes.

"My sweet Lady, you're back! I have waited a thousand years for this moment!"

He gently kissed Hayley on her cheek.

"Who are you?"  She asked, staring into the man's tender eyes.

"I am Uther Pendragon, King of the Britons and you my Lady Igraine are my Queen."

Hayley felt a tide of emotion sweep over her as the centuries rolled by. She knew now that she had been here before. This had been her home when Britain was young and she had been the Queen of its people.

Elation filled her heart, as it had never done before. Not since she had had her baby.

The years of pain and suffering at the hands of a thousand fiends fell away and she stood next to the welcoming King. 

An overwhelming sense of belonging made her quiver.

She was home.

Pendragon Castle.

And she was sure it was here she'd stay.

It was then she noticed a small group at the ruin's entrance. She recognised their shitty silhouettes in the moonlight.

"Jesus Christ No! The bastards" She screamed!

It was Jezzer and Runsy. They'd somehow followed her here. The spectre of Vivienne had placed a sword at their feet, which Jezzer hefted, unaware of her.

"You fuckin' bitch Duchess! You thought you could just leave did you! Thought we'd never find you! Well, sorry you slut, here we fuckin' are and you're going to fuckin' pay .... With your miserable pointless life!"

Jezzer loped toward her, dragging the sword with Runsy close behind grinning like a Hyena. 

Vivienne smiled in the shadows.

Hayley stumbled backwards and fell. Jezzer raised the huge blade and brought it swiftly down.

" Die you slag!" Screamed Jezzer

"Die you bitch!" Yelled Runsy

" Die, Queen of Harlots!" Shrieked Vivienne whirling over the scene in her ragged robes.

The sword descended.

But at the very last second it was parried by an even bigger blade, a gigantic sword bearing the symbol of the dragon.

Despite raising it again, Jezzer's weapon, borne of Vivienne's terrible hate, was no match for this adversary but the mad pimp persisted and charged.

"Stop! Dog! I am Uther Pendragon, King of the Britons and this is my sword Caliburn, powerful and ancient and forged in the fiery breath of Dragons. Behold it's beauty, peasant, for it is thy doom!"

At this Jezzer ran at Uther, roaring with his hands high.

"Fuuuuuuuuuck Yooouuuuuuu!"

Uther thrust with lethal, seasoned skill.

Time stopped.

The ravens froze.

Caliburn had impaled the intruder, the divine steel passing easily through the soft porcine belly and reappearing out of his back, the terrible point shearing the spine neatly on two.

Jezzer flopped. Uther withdrew.

Another blow and Jezzer's head fell away.

Blood pooled at Uther's feet.

He wiped Caliburn.

Runsy stared in shock.

Vivienne careened in her madness like a ripping flag and faded into nothing.

Hayley looked on in disbelief.

"Noooooooooooo!" Balled Runsy, weeping for his friend, now dead and beheaded on the stones, and fearing for his own life, fled the castle in a terrible haste.

Reaching his car, he sped off wailing lunacy in a mist of dust, the starving ravens following close behind, landing on the roof.

 He would not have long before the ravenous crows had full beaks again.

Uther helped Hayley rise and upon her standing, he bent down on one knee and kissed her hand.

"Dear, dear Igraine, I am filled beyond joy at your home-coming! Please, please my love, accept my sacred vow of marriage and be my Queen again."

"I accept! I do." 

She whispered this smiling, her place in the castle, her home from whence she came , assured once more.

At this King Uther raised Caliburn again.

He thrust.

The metal was swift and bore witness.

Haley's battered body fell and lay down for the very final time, her face a picture of tranquility at last.

The old tired Duchess was at peace, a smile gently forming on her mouth.

Her spirit rose to join the King as Queen Igraine, her second coming in the once and future land, where they would live together again for always, she bearing a child, Arthur, her little Prince returned, returned to the waiting world, who one day also would be King.

And so, within those regal ruins by the roadside they dwell still, at the head of the River Eden, in the Castle of Pendragon, in the vale known as ... 

Mallerstang.

Monday, January 5, 2026

First Foot

In the Anno of our Lord 1633 the world turned like a maggot towards its dark plagued eye and the coming cold New Year.

The soil was a frozen black tarn and the mists hung on the trees like ripped swaddling. Brutal was the ice that split the bleached skulls garnishing the field, reducing the honeycomb to tooth picks for the ghosts of eaten men.

Fur and teeth were all that remained of the leveret curled up in the bole of the oak. It's last rite beneath the ancient crown, spent, beyond it's life, the bull's-eye sling of death daylight robbing it's wild brains.

Yet a rustle in the leaves spoke of a visitor. It crawled by the tree unseen, unheard, save its fingerprints on the frost and ... stopped. The invisible thing entered the leveret and stirred it into motion, loose yellow molars dropping to the ground as it's dead jaws stretched.

Tucking itself in, it squatted and sniffed, the snow-fat air laced with scents, barren and decayed. The jerking fur-beast searched for something more, something sweet, something secreted in the woman world, deep in their peat-lit hovels without the lightless forest on its edge.

Chattering it ran. It ran out of the oaks, along the row of infants' graves, where it burrowed for it's pleasure, sniggering, chatting, the patter of defunct paws a whisper of the terrible lies it will spin to stow itself in the shivering homes of women that New Years Eve, where lonely wives knitted weaves of prayers, their husbands fighting in far-off wars or dangling on the Town's rope pole, both doorways to the feral fields of Hell.

In a cottage apart, the occupant, a washer-woman, encumbered, pregnant and beset, placed a wooden King Melchior a step closer to the crib, the others waiting for each day to move and meet the God Child on the Sixth. She sat in the window praying for mercy for her man, her husband without hope, condemned to death for stealing bread off the Lord's sil, the gallows now for sure his final strangled slumber.

The ice flowers on the glass, a bouquet of frost, spoke of manless winters in her garden of grief. There would be no stay, no pardon, no tender sentence passed. He would be hung and it would be done. Her unborn baby knowing nothing of it's Father, plumping in the womb like a Childermass goose. Born and hung. In God's name, she would give her life to keep them both.

Another knew it too. The dead-hare-beast, wigging and truffling into people's lives, an unwelcome guest as the yeast of the year took root and rose anew, like blood in the yolk, a clump of fur souring the milk, a stranger's finger on the baby's fontanelle. None must find a footing. None.

The leveret-thing was giddy; jumping, hopping, skipping, a devil-may-care carolling up the path. It stopped and pricked it's ears. Ah, yes! The sound of a noose, taught and sweet, the slap of a neck snapping to boot. Beautiful! Her husband hung and dusted. Hoorah! A somersault of joy, for now the scheme was clear and the demon's ingress a good hare's paw closer than before.

Nearing the door, the furred one stood, an apparition of the gallowed husband, all smiles and livid red cheeks, the untied shoes covering the cloven hooves.

Knock, knock!

What! Is this the King she wondered? Melchior or better still ....

"Yes! You may stare for it is I my good wife, your man, pardoned and unexecuted, let loose in the nick of time, the noose already tightened round my apple, my voice now raspy as an adder!"

"Oh my love, my love, is it really you, the first foot too? In God's mercy I have lay with child this past nine months praying for the day and here you are on New Year's Eve. Oh Lord, come in, relieve yourself, eat, slake your thirst and caress my babied belly, the seed you planted, the strapling ready to burst this New Year!"

The hare-husband dropped to his knees, unbuttoned her apron and kissed her plumping gut, listening to the unborn clamour within, sliding his hairy palm across the mound and then below between her legs, smiling up at her with dreadful uncanny wanting she'd not seen before.

Is this her husband true?

"I doubt you've brought me salt and coal my dearest man, for this year's wallet and our good fortune, but I wonder what have you got in your pockets?"

Standing he emptied them, placing items on the table: a hare's loose teeth, a bloodied paw, an infant's tiny skull and a length of tattered noose.

The woman screamed and covered up her belly, retreating to the fireside for a iron.

He smiled again and licked his lips, the husband's jellied face revealing the old dead leveret beneath and deeper still, the sweating scarlet countenance of something much much worse.

Sunday, December 28, 2025

The Prince of Skin

Woe betied the soul who strays too close to the reedmace in Strikken.

No mercy will be shown in the stalks and thickett once the taste for fowl is all and hunger grows for choicer meat.

But Strikken is remote and dank, beyond the haunts of Men, who shun it and for good reason. Long a bog to be avoided lest your life be forfeit in its sickly quag without bottom or worse still.

Worser things reside among the endless reeds, where ravenous creeps and their conniving Queen have spun their homes for centuries devouring duck and swan and a sometime wolf.

But waterfowl tastes bitter and the lobs of Strikken yearn for sweeter tissues between their teeth, that which is only found in the  human villages and towns around the giant fen.

And so began the entanglement of dreamers caught loafing by the mire, quickly draped in cobs to digest at leisure, soup bags hammocked between the shafts for all to suckle but it was simply not enough.

There weren't enough of them to calm the frothing fangs of her, the Queen of Legs, who's appetite was vast, as was her desire to liquify a village.

A baby fell into the bog. A human baby dropped within the sea of sedge, it's cries reaching the hairy ears of the Queen. The child was brought and rather than consumption, by order of their ruler, it lived among the spiders, a hatchling warmed in webbing, his skinny pink limbs and blood-red birthmark stroked and drummed by curious spinners and wet-nursed by the Queen of Legs herself.

Her rich royal milk worked wonders and as the years struck ten the baby grew into a boy. A spider boy, the dreadful gangly son of Strikken Fen, the Prince of Skin.

No ordinary boy was he, but a terrible weld of man and spider-kind, his many legs long and spindly, his arms like men's, the mass of eyes hidden beneath a mop of hair, his needled teeth tucked within a rippling mouth. 

The Queen of Legs adored her Prince of Skin, her other vassals jealous of her affection for the human thing, but they obeyed or faced slow digestion in her interminable guts.

But the hunger grew, the pang for men, the urge to chew and chew on them.

It was he who planted the idea. He should gain entry into the world, pretend to be a boy. Once accepted he would engender and ensnare, bring home a careless human for the family to enjoy.

Dressed with stolen clothes stitched by spider fingers, a cap of husk and his legs, save two, tied up with silk, he stood before the Queen.

"Go, my Prince of Skin, and fetch us something plump to sink my teeth in!"

And so he left, eight legs of him, for the hamlet by the hill, consorting with revellers within the Inn, who in the darkness thought him strange but offered him some beer and cheered as he gulped, his queer pulpy mouth curling. It was here in a corner he befriended a lady, her beauty spent by bruising, a sadness ruled her corpulent frame, for the cruel removal of her only child by her violent and terrible husband, the Father, who beat her so. The Prince gave her what she craved, a caring ear, a tender lap, the soft whisper of the spider fen. He felt for her and his anger grew as she told him of her brutish man.

It was then she saw the blood-red birthmark on his hand and knew her baby had returned. She told, as a Mother only can, of how she loved him and the merciful Lord above she thanked.

In turn he told her of his fenland crib, his kin, his spider Queen and he, the Prince of Skin, who had been sent for meat for her to drink. He must not go back empty-handed home. 

A figure issued from the drinkers and demanded coin from the tearful woman. She stuttered and he hit her full across the face. The boy rose, all six feet of carapace and skin, and easily stayed the second blow.

"No need for that dear Father!"

He whispered whilst injecting him with Queen milk venom. He slumped and caught, the boy and mother, carried him out of the inn.

"He's drunk again", she laughed, a seasoned actress.

"Best let him sleep it off!"

And so the Prince of Skin and his human mother dragged the hateful man all the way to Strikken Fen, where once introduced, the Mothers two struck a silken bargain. They would each care for the boy, share their homes with him, at once a human son and and too, the Prince of Skin. 

To celebrate they all stuck their tongues inside the writhing man, who's busy fists were at once stilled as his thick warm blood was slopped and spilled into the mouths of the happy hungry Mothers and the smiling skinny Prince.

Saturday, December 27, 2025

The Hungry Cuts

Mortin Brass leafed through last year's Christmas Radio Days, slowly licking his thumb with each turn of the page, trying to imagine what this year's would be like.

It would be the bumper December edition and jam-packed with tasty festive morsels on both TV and the radio. 

An annual rite, Mortin only ever bought the December issue, on account of one special thing: the beautiful black and white woodcuts.

Once drawn, and only once, here in his native Wakefield, Mortin loved the woodcuts that illustrated each page. 

No, he didn't just love them, he adored them, worshipped them and the black and white motifs gave his otherwise empty existence meaning. He had no idea why it was. He knew his ancestors were newsagents, but that was so long ago. He craved the woodcuts now and was ravenous for more.

The older the Radio Days Christmas issue the better for Mortin, especially those grails capturing the actual birth of Marconi's wireless miracle and he had every Christmas copy going back to the turn of the century, save for the very first one, which had been cancelled before publication, on account of the young woodcut artist's terrible death, his face broken and body crushed beneath the iron wheels of a runaway hand-drawn newsstand off the town centre. It was the first of November 1899. He died in agony, starvation and bitterness in the hospice, mangled and penniless, knowing his short life's greatest work had all been for nothing and would never be seen.  He was buried a pauper, the vellum epitaph he scrawled himself:

"My Life's Art may be Diminished but The Bloody End remains Unfinished!"

In homage to that glorious but utterly tragic unpublished debut a century before, modern artists continued with ruritanian scenes of ailing robins, snow-draped fences, bare trees,  winter flowers, snowmen, long icicles, cozy homes, smoking chimneys, herds of reindeer and blazing hearths, all harking back to that golden age, a Victorian idyll of a sumptuous Dickensian Christmas to which everyone aspired, but like the spectral embers in Scrooge's parlour grate, no-one could ever touch.

The woodcuts were the best next thing to actually being there and though the public appetite for nostalgia was strong, Mortin's was insatiable. 

But it wasn't the country scenes and rural lanes that he idolised. It was the ghosts: those illustrations depicting phantoms, spirits, spectres and hauntings were the reason Mortin bought the festive edition of Radio Days and those alone. His enormous library of ninety eight back issues was a monument to his infatuation. 

He would stare at the illustrations for hours, mesmerized by their simplicity, their starkness and monochrome charm. They would appear to come alive as he gazed into their hidden depths behind the dark strokes and become lost in their skeletal worlds, their inky bones desperate for life. Yet he knew he would never be fully satisfied, because he could never own that first unseen edition from the turn of the century and feast on the birth of the cuts.

This particular winter Mortin had sought out the magazine early. It seemed to be unusually popular this year and despite his diligence all the normal city newsagents had sold out. 

It was towards the late afternoon, November 1st, 1999, as a fingernail moon lit up the town square, that Mortin, in the pitch shadows of Cheapside, came across a tumbledown vendor he'd never noticed before.

After searching for hours on that freezing Saturday two months before the Millennium, certain he had visited all newsagents in the city of Wakefield, Mortin couldn't believe his eyes and approached the old-fashioned wheeled news cart in the darkness with some trepidation. The ancient proprietor greeted him zealously.

"Good day to you fine Sir on this freezing winter's day. How may I be of service?"

Mortin looked the news-seller up and down and concluded he, hoary with age, must have been at least 100 years old, his paper skin literally sliding off his crooked primeval frame. The man's grubby tweed jacket was thoroughly threadbare and his stained trousers were held up with thick yellowing string. He appeared to be malformed around his middle and his face was awkwardly tilted. The unpleasant, antiquarian appearance was completed by a tarnished but split monocle and slick blackened teeth turned at an angle. There was an unsavoury reek about the man too, like meat gone off.

Yet, miracle of miracles, there on the stand of this decrepit geriatric, Mortin thought he saw what was a single solitary copy of the Christmas Radio Days in the darkness.

Ecstatic to say the least, but somewhat startled by the old codger, Mortin shakily pointed in the murk to the magazine, to which the seller, in a very raspy voice, whispered:

"Ah, a wise choice Sir, it's a rare tome indeed, straight from the desk, almost hot off the local press and craving an eager soul such as yours to appreciate the finery of the cuts. As I understand it, the poor artist died in the midst of his work, killed by a scoundrel and never able to complete the final panel, a terrible portrait of wintry wrath I believe it would have been, if you take my meaning."

With gnarled, mittened hands, the seller handed Mortin the magazine and took his coin, biting the edge and pocketing it, before lowering a large wide curtain to close-up his mobile stand for the day.

Mortin, greedily clutching his prize, watched with fascination as the crumpled fellow picked up the stand's grip and began to drag it awkwardly up the jittery cobbles of the slight but nevertheless tiresome incline, which was virtually unlit apart from the sickly whiteness offered by the moon. The deformed pensioner turned and smiled as he saw his customer engrossed, before hobbling away and struggling with his cumbersome cart.

With a spring in his step, Mortin followed the seller's direction and headed for the nearest street lamp at the foot of the hill beside the butchers, where he hastily unrolled his magazine.

His eyes bulged out of his skull as he looked at the cover and read the date. 

November 1st, 1899. 

"W - What? H- How?"

Mortin quickly leafed to the last page, where there was indeed a blank panel for the New Year ghost story. His heart pounded with excitement at the thought that he had found perhaps the only copy of the lost and unpublished first issue of Radio Days in existence. It must be worth an absolute fortune and he'd picked it up for for a paltry £2 from an old duffer who simply didn't have a clue!

It was during this reverie by the light near the shop window, stuffed with kidneys and liver, that Mortin first heard the loud clattering of heavy wheels on the cobbled slope.

He looked up to see the scene had completely changed. The incline was the same but the lamp was now an eerie gas, the streets beyond were packed with finely dressed men sporting top hats and canes and women wearing wide pleated dresses and petite fascinators. Horse-drawn carriages clip-clopped along the gas-lit causeway whilst bedraggled urchins held onto the rear racks howling. If he hadn't thought it wholly insane Mortin would have sworn he was staring at Victorian Wakefield!

It was within this meleƩ out of time that Mortin once again saw the crooked old man. He was waving to him. In front was his magazine cart careening down the slope, the journals and papers flying off like bats, as it shuddered over the stones and increased dreadfully in speed.

Mortin was transfixed by the spectacle. 

The cart, now an unstoppable iron-wheeled missile, was bouncing straight towards him, the sound of its terrible ferrules like the hammering of Hell itself. 

When he woke from his trance it was too late. The flat edge of the thing pole-axed Mortin, knocking him to the ground. The first massive wheel rode mercilessly over his head, cracking his brittle cheeks like a chestnut. The second drove over his waist, completely flattening his tender abdomen onto the road's surface.

In Mortin's final moments he caught sight of the name on the newspaper cart as it careered to a stop. 

It was his own family's!

"Oh dear God, it says Brass's News Stand!" He gargled, blood rising in his collapsed throat.

Of course! As he lay dying it became clear now to Mortin! The cart had been his Great Grandfather's, the same one which had ..... Dear God in Heaven,  killed that artist a century earlier on that very day!

The ancient crippled seller limped up to the squashed form of Mortin, smiled and grew younger, as young as he was when he drew the woodcuts for Radio Days' debut one hundred years before.

He stooped and removed the old magazine from Mortin's grip and turning to the last page, watched as his missing final panel was completed, a screaming prone mutilated figure done in bright red ink, by far the best woodcut he'd ever done.

The young hungry artist walked off and staring through the butcher's window, his Radio Days dripping red in his hand, he faded away whispering.

"At last the bloody End is finished!"

Sunday, December 14, 2025

The Bastard Gut

It was a damnable day that Wednesday when we fell out.

She said I'd ruined the moment and often did.

"You spoil everything!" she'd shouted, as the door slammed shut on another bit of our marriage. 

I felt so low I jumped in the Mini and drove to the Priory gardens, my favourite place, to be on my own. I felt crushed. I hated disappointing her. I did it so damn much.

I parked up and showed the volunteer my well-worn National Trust card.

"Thank you Mr.Fetley."

It was nearly Christmas itself and I walked into the vast, freezing gardens. Families were out in droves taking in the fresh crisp air coming off the estate's rolling lawns before going home to start the festivities.

I could see the gigantic Christmas tree near the Hall in the distance, it's coloured lights shimmering in the afternoon murk like a Georgian spaceship, as the sun began to fall behind the bear-pit.

"All this for one family! And who has a bear!" I always moaned when Martha was with me, the meanness completely out of place on our country walks round the Priory gardens and Hall grounds.

That was when we had gone on walks.

Like she said, I always ruined the fuckin' moment.

Being together properly had stopped ages ago. A dark cloud had lowered itself smack over our marriage. Maybe it had always been there.

The landscape of the Priory gardens was sensational and somewhere I'd often been as a child when my parents brought me in their old Wolseley for a summer day out. 

Back then I never thought of the elitism of it all. Those incestuous blue-bloods rutting like stags whilst my folks scrimped and scraped.

My parents didn't either, they liked the grandeur of it all and brought a hamper laden with pork pies and cracker barrel, a flask of hot sweet tea and a tatty old picnic blanket, which my Mum spread out on the grass, flicking it up like a magician, while my Dad got everything out of the boot. Glory days. I didn't know how they did it. Stayed happy like that. They were blessed.

Long gone now, shadowy wanderers in my memories, I missed my parents so damn much. They had that inexplicable something so many of that generation had, a dusting of wisdom and verve, borne, no doubt from fighting in World War Two, their youth sacrificed for us lot, the kids, the progeny, the heirs. But were we destined to inherit. My tireless parents had been so happy before turning into heroic ghosts. I seemed to lose track of them in my river of sewage. It felt to me like a dark thing had emerged. 

I wasn't happy. Neither was Martha my wife. We hadn't been for years, schoolyard sweethearts who's future was sealed by swapping a sucked refresher and a crumpled bag of sherbet. I got the sherbet, which I dipped my wet finger in and she licked it off in what was our first taste of sexual frisson so long ago, when we were fifth years at Wragby High.

Teenage fumbling followed and our innocence lost to each other at the back of the Pleasure Beach on school trip, grunting and huffing until we came for the first time, me wearing a Durex, which I'd got from the bogs at my Dad's local, when he'd sneaked me in for a swift half.

Where did it all go so fuckin' wrong? When did I fall into a black well.

Such sweet beginnings, like a sugar rocket zooming to Heaven, we'd stumbled somewhere on the way, I became sterile, it stopped and we we're bedevilled.

Martha hadn't loved me for ages. I knew that,  sat there on the bench in the pull of the Victorian lights on the Hall, mocking my misery with their false promise of a grand old time this Yule.

Goodwill to all men, women and kids. But not us. No kids either. That went tits up sharpish. The doc said I'd lazy sperm. Yep! That had made sense to me. I was a lazy fucker all round, work-shy and way too fond of slobbing around drinking tea, watching telly and running to the Priory gardens, as if compelled by some maingy monkey on my back.

Martha got a raw deal with me really. Half a man, a dead loss as her Mum had whispered to her when she found out there'd be no grandkids to brighten up her tedious life from my hexed and empty bollocks.

I was 40 now and my clock was running out of steam.

A rosy-cheeked maid walked past. Must be an actress. She reminded me of Martha when we'd first met. Chaste. Cute as a button, the Martha I'd loved. She was holding a bowl of something hot, the rising wisps of vapour giving her pretty face a spectral look. Inexplicably, I felt aroused.

The National Trust we're clearly pulling out all the festive stops this year with, I assumed, volunteers dressed in period costume, doing period stuff like making steaming gruel a la Ebenezer Scrooge.

I smiled.

The maid ignored me as if I wasn't there. She buggered off, seeming to fade into the land. Who'd ruined the moment again. My manhood wilted. 

I felt glummer than ever. 

"That crotchety old bastard Scrooge and his fuckin' gruel. That'll be me in ten years when I'm fifty, one foot in the fuckin' grave!"

Scrooge.

"There's more of gravy than the grave here!"

I could hear my old English teacher, Mr. Spilt, roaring the line across his classroom in an ecstasy of  adulation I'd never felt for anything in my life, save Martha back in the stone age.

"Dickens, the Victorian Shakespeare!" he'd bellowed, "and perhaps his greatest work, A Christmas Carol! I expect you to read it for the end-of-year test. That includes you too Fetley. Are you even with us boy?"

I'd hated school. A temple of bastard toil. A fuckin' workhouse. I couldn't wait to leave and get it on alright with Martha. Get shaggin' proper, get a job, get a place to live and get a life.

A bald butler rippled past like a reflection in the trees, another actor I guessed. This one was carrying a silver platter with one of those big silver domes. Raw liver for the old Lord no doubt. Or a devilled kidney or two. Mmmmm. Those rich entitled cunts knew how to party back then.

"We're raising .... raising a few pounds for some meat and drink for the poor," I'd stuttered from my desk, when Spilt, the vindictive twat, had made me read out loud in front of the class.

Even Martha had sniggered, the only time I thought she'd spoilt things, ruined the fuckin' moment. I'd never really forgiven her for that if I was being honest. It cast a blemish on our sweet puppy love and it lingered.

"Dickens! More like Dickless!" I'd shouted as I left the class. Everyone laughed, a brief flicker of acceptance by my fickle peers, but one which didn't last, it's soundtrack the smack of the cane as the School Head lashed my hand for insolence, my hand I did all my wanking with thinking about Martha. The fat bastard!

"Fetley, Fetley, Fetley, what are we going to do with you?" Sighed the Careers Officer in his crummy broom-cupboard of a room.

" You're a feckless slacker Fetley, with no fuckin' prospects whatsoever. My dog's dick's got more get and go than you!" He growled as if I was literally made of shit, a turd washed up in his godforsaken pisspot of an office. I fuckin' hated the Careers Officer and wished he was dead.

I hated the job he landed me with even more! Emptying cess-pits for the Council! For God's sake! 

It seemed topical though, me being a turd and all and I almost laughed at the irony, if I'd known what that was back then.

I left school at sixteen. I was a cess-pits mate. Half a boy knee-deep in a pool of crap. I felt dejected, but as long as I had Martha I was OK. I was as horny as a grizzly back then.

"The Arse-sistant!" my Dad had chuckled, patting me on my shoulder with his broad smile, a smile which told me he was actually pleased as punch that I had a job, any job and earning some coin. My Mum was dead pleased for me too.

They were about the only fans I ever had really, my folks. They were fabulous parents, something I somehow knew I'd never be. A parent. There had to be something I was here for though.

Martha wasn't impressed with my job. Not one bit. Said I smelt like shitty toilets and dirty old men. And so it began. The royal disappointment that I was destined to be, a true genius of sweet Fanny Adams, whose greatest achievement was the laziest spunk in the history of jizzin', so fuckin lazy it didn't even hear the starting gun.

Like I said. Cursed. A shadow in a mirror.

The sun was nearly set when I sat down on a bench. It's reds and golds sloshing out like a Pollock painting over the sky. I thought of the endlessness of space and time and wondered if I was on any other planet somewhere in the universe, another me, doing better than I was. Maybe he's looking up too, sensing some true moment of oblivion we were hurtling towards, some twist of fate, no doubt the airless mouth of a demon's sphincter!

On the small stone bridge perched high above the boathouse I saw a silhouetted figure holding the rail. It looked like a man peering at the pool far below, where the old Priory regals had set off down the silver river running through the massive grounds. Another figure, a female, lay slumped on the bridge. 

The figure appeared to be sobbing, but it was hard to tell, as the day was fading fast. 

Someone approached him from behind. Another man I reckoned. A really really big man. He raised his arm and I was sure I saw the glint of steel in the dying sun, as his arm descended.

The smaller male contorted and screamed, a scream so blood-curdlingly chilling that I stood up, the hairs on the back of my neck rising and goosebumps breaking out allover my arms.

The victim turned and the huge man brought his knife down again and again, to which he screamed even louder, convulsing in agony, until he slid down onto the bridge, still and lifeless.

I realized instantly that he'd been stabbed to death right in front of me, slaughtered by some big fucker of a guy.

The big fucker then picked up the man's body as if it was a Ken doll and chucked it over the side, where it landed with a splat on the boathouse roof. He then walked off the bridge and climbed down to it. He grabbed the man's body, threw it into the pool and floated it into the boathouse, where they disappeared inside.

The female figure had crawled away out of sight.

I was electrified with emotion: terror, anger, anguish. It all rushed through me, my body primed with adrenaline. I had to do something. I had to confront that big bastard of a bloke and see if the man was still alive.

"Better check old boy! That's the ticket! Time to pitch in and show some spunk!" 

It was the hairless butler I'd seen pass me earlier, sitting next to me on the bench, a mere skeleton with a pristine face, gazing at me with his silver service still in his hand, the big dome rattling as if something inside was alive. A baby's hand popped out and pointed at me.

"You're right! I will!"

As I stood up the big guy came splashing out of the boathouse back into the dark pool. It reminded me of my old cess-pits. The Arse-sistant.

He stopped dead and stared straight at me. His eyes were bright fuckin' red, like some goddamn demon from Hell.

I froze, unable to move, struck with terror. 

The man got on the bridge and vanished into the night just as a woman arrived at the same spot, also silhouetted in the darkness and then disappeared as well.

I was stunned by what I'd seen and made my way to the bridge, leapt into the water and got inside the boathouse. Using the torch on my phone I looked around, but there was nothing but a manky arched brick-roof caked in natrine, a couple of ancient oars propped up and a mouldy widgeon on a hook. The water was shallow too and I could see there was nothing in it. Certainly no body, which would have been drenched in blood.

I staggered out and up to the Hall, which was now closed for the evening. 

It was Christmas Eve and I'd been at the place all afternoon. For hours!

Fortunately the gates were still open and I drove home, dazed, terrified and angered by what I'd seen. I'd tell Martha about it, then phone the local nick.

Parking up, I noticed the front room was in darkness, save for the flickering tinsel and log fire, which we kept going in winter. 

The curtains were slightly open and I was sure I heard voices in the dark room. I peered in and there in the firelight on the rug was a naked young woman, somehow glowing, being fucked silly by a huge guy, a fuckin beast of a guy judging by the width of his shoulders. He was pounding her like a mandrill, a potent ramrod of meat!

"Fuck me, fuck me you filthy bastard, I'm on fuckin heat!" The girl yelled.

And then it dawned on me in a moment of absolute and terrifying clarity. This was the same goddamn big bastard I'd seen stabbing the man on the bridge. The maid was the girl I'd seen at the Priory too! She looked like Martha did years ago, the Martha I'd fancied.

I gasped! Too loudly!

The brute stopped thrusting and turned slowly to face me. His terrible blood-red eyes bore into my own. He rose and I could see that the maid had been bitten and wrapped up in the fairy lights off our Christmas tree. As she groaned, he shoved a big glass bauble straight in her bloodied mouth. She squealed like a stuck pig.

The brutish man walked towards the window, where I was stood and threw open the curtains.

He smiled, his crooked mouth bristling with a million bloodied fangs. He pointed at me, nodded and mouthed a single word.

"Yours!"

I recoiled backwards screaming and knew I'd wet myself.

"For fucks sake Fetley, get a hold of yourself and sort that big bastard of a fucker out. He'll be banging and biting your wife Martha next for fucks sake! Have some fuckin' guts you little turd!"

It was my long-dead Careers Officer standing next to me under the wreath on the door, rotted and maggot-ridden, giving me advice I didn't need like he always fucking had.

"OK, OK!" I raged and burst into the front room to find absolutely nothing. No maid, no Martha, no monster, just the fire burning in the darkness and the fairy lights on the tree.

I was seeing things again.

I checked that Martha was asleep upstairs. She was. Sleeping fitfully but asleep. I slept on the settee downstairs; afraid I was losing my marbles, they were certainly coming loose! Three hallucinations and a big fuckin' monster of a guy in one night. What the fuck! 

The next day, Christmas Day, having slept like shit, I took Martha a cup of coffee and some toast. I'd taken a sprig of mistletoe off the doorframe and put it on the tray too in some forlorn gesture of pagan hope.

I explained I'd had a really bad night and that I was sorry for the day before, buggering off like I did on Christmas Eve.

Yawning and stretching, rubbing the sleep from her eyes, she said she was sorry too. After all, it was Christmas Day and everyone deserved a second chance on Jesus's birthday. I lifted up the mistletoe, smiled and amazingly, we kissed.

Despite hating myself I couldn't stop thinking about the ape boning the Martha- maid the night before and, getting excited, one thing lead to another.

Martha reciprocated, heat glowing off her ripe body. She ripped off her night-dress and before we knew it we were making passionate love on the bed, more passionate than we'd ever been and ..... I'd even bitten Martha, something I'd never done before. I wore a Durex like I did for our first time. It felt nostalgic that little rubber sock.

"Wow!" She'd said afterwards smoking a fag. "Not so lazy after all Fetley! Your juice may lack some welly, but you certainly fettled me good and proper you filthy old beast!"

She was right. It had been a fantastic fuck. 

After an unusually pleasant Christmas day, with Martha even adoring the gift I'd got for her, a Victorian Priory dolls house I'd bought at the Hall weeks earlier, the next few days passed quietly as the New Year beckoned with its promise of second chances, second helpings and second comings.

For the first time in a long time I felt hopeful for Martha and me, although both of us complained of feeling a little off colour. I made the sign of the cross, which I hadn't done since school chapel praying my parents would live forever.

New Year's Eve came like a high warm tide and after picking up some ginger biscuits at the Spar, because Martha was feeling sick, I stopped off at the Priory for a short walk and some time to think. 

I'd felt anxious ever since Christmas Eve a week earlier, but my feelings for Martha were better than they'd been for years. She felt the same, despite her nausea, and we were suddenly doing well. It seemed like a bright new chapter after all. No more evil omens darkening our tomorrows.

I popped into the Hall and ordered Cappuccino in the cafe. 

I nearly choked on the foam.

There, hanging above the far fireplace, was a large oil portrait of a huge bloke, the same one I'd seen on Christmas Eve when I'd been hallucinating. I'd put it down to stress back then, but here he was, the giant hunched man.

Approaching the painting I felt a chill gripping my bones like phantom hands , the very same as when I'd seen the brute the first time on the bridge. I stood before him and regretted it immediately. His scarlet eyes drilled into me once more and his massive arm rose out of the oil and pointed straight at me. 

"You!" He growled, "I'll take what's yours!"

Terrified, I shambled backwards straight into a volunteer.

"He is rather dreadful I agree! Lord Gut, the bastard and only son of the fourth and final Count, to whom the estate had belonged at the time." The volunteer explained. She went on, "Gut was a fiendish malformed bear of a man, an abomination, vile in every way and capable of the most terrible acts. He was an embarrassment to the Count and incapable of bearing issue on account of his supposed semi-impotence, thus, after the last stillbirth to a servant girl, rendering the family lineage singularly dead, not that this affliction stopped Gut ravaging maids and female guests at every turn, victims of his roulette of sex and battery. On his deathbed he vowed to return every Wednesday night in the month of his 150th birthday, to claim a child from a ripe and fertile maiden on the day itself to continue the Gut line, the true heirs of the Priory and it's vast fortune. After the Count's passing the estate and it's monies we're held by the crown until bequeathed to the National Trust. Five hundred years of Counts came to nothing."

I was still shaken by the apparition in the painting.

"When is Lord Gut's 150th birthday?" I asked shakily.

"December is the month, his birthday was Christmas Eve, this year being his 150th, when, the legend says, he was at his most virile, then to claim his mistress for himself and take her home on the Eve of the New Year."

I left the volunteer and stumbled outside, pale and sick.

"Fuck, he's back, the old bastard son is back and I saw him on .... Christmas Eve .... Shagging ... The maid who looked like .... Martha!"

"FUCKKKK!"

I puked violently into a hydrangea bed and drove home.

I found my wife, relaxed, still in her nightie, arranging things in her new dolls' house, an exact match of the Priory, including part of the garden, which included the bridge. 

Martha was enraptured by this miniature world. She carefully set up the dining room and the kitchen and moved onto the nursery. Here she became fixated with the tiny cot containing a small dark being. She hummed 'Away in a Manger' whilst walking a small wooden doll out of the house and into the garden.

It was then I saw another wooden figure stood on the bridge, bigger than the rest, bulkier, heavier. 

"Jesus Christ! It's the swine, Lord Gut!"

I'd said it out loud, but Martha was in a trance and moved her own doll's likeness, the maid, towards the bridge.

I knew immediately what it meant! It was New Years Eve and Martha was to meet the monster on the boathouse bridge for God knows what, but I could guess!

I bundled my mesmerised wife into the mini, so I could keep an eye on her and drove like a madman to the Priory. 

Once there, I locked my wife in the car and ran to the boathouse. I had to stop the brutish Gut once and for all.

He was there, his massive bulk silhouetted in the grainy dusk.

But so was my Martha. In her trance she'd got out of the car and taken a short cut. She was facing the beast, towering over her like some hunched Hadean troll. He had a long knife to her throat, slowly caressing her belly with his terrible palm.

I couldn't fuckin' believe it.

I ran towards them screaming and pushed Martha violently out of the way and head-butted the ogre hard in the stomach.

Despite him being strong, so damn strong, he dropped his weapon. He slapped me across the face with his knuckles and easily spun me round, where I grabbed the stone rail taking in deep breaths of the night air. I stared at the pool, lost in its depths,  whilst Gut raised his huge fists above my head for the killing blow, growling like a fuckin' starved bear.

It was then I realised in a flash that all my yesterdays crashed into this single moment. This was the bull's-eye of my existence, his crushing of my fragile pointless skull. It hadn't been an hallucination I'd seen. It was a premonition, a vision of this very instance on the bridge, the pivotal arc of my destiny, my dead black hole.

But as his fists descended towards me, Martha crept beneath, picked up the long blade and thrust it deep into the ast's huge loins, severing his artery. Gouts of scalding blood poured over Martha's face like a baptism!

The bastard Gut clutched his terrible wound and pulled out the long knife. Hot red fluid bathed my wife completely, the gore filling her eyes and mouth.

She rubbed it all over her night-dress, rocking to and fro, laughing uncontrollably.

I stood over her and the bastard son in a state of shock. Fate had been fucked up the devil's arse and against all the many omens, the darkening blackness blurring our promise, Martha and I were still alive.

The brutish apparition of Lord Gut fell to his knees, his borrowed hate-fueled life-force spent and he writhed on the bridge clutching his bloodless groin. He began to fade to gas.

As New Years Eve melted away into New Years Day I kissed Martha on her bloody hair, the iron in Gut's spectral blood making me wretch. 

"We survived Martha!" I sighed "we survived and thwarted the fuckin' demon from taking you away!"

"No, we didn't. He tricked us one last time. He'll return for me!"

"Why?" I shrieked.

"Because ...........

I'm pregnant with his ......

chiiiiiiiiiiiiiild!"

My terrible scream, growing louder and louder, filled her ears, the boathouse, the gardens and all the empty rooms of the distant Hall.

Holding my head in my hands I begged the hateful beast.

"Please Nooooooooooooooooooooooooo!"

And then I saw that it was true, the Bastard Gut smiling wickedly and widely at my Martha while Hell opened up and took him back.