Fucked, Stuffed and Shafted

Bastion was so cheesed off with his customers it wasn't true. Moan, moan, soddin' moan.

He wouldn't mind, all they bought off him were balloons for Gods sake!

His wife Gabby didn't help either. 

Nag, nag, nag, all day flamin' long.

And then there was his lazy arse teenage step-son, Robin. 

Couldn't be bothered to go to college or get a job, so he stunk the place up lying in bed all day watching porn and shite on You Tube and pissing around on games all night. 

Total waster and no help at all. Slobbin bastard robin! 

Bastion blamed his real dad, that cocky pillock Stan the Chimney Sweep Man, another knobhead he couldn't stand.

There was no escape from all these idiots because he worked from home. 

His customers pestered him on the laptop and his Missus was all over him like a rash. Then there was his loutish step-son lying in his own crap and his proper annoying dad coming round to see him whenever he wanted!

Do this, do that, get Robin up take the bin out, get some milk, where's the remote, tidy up, hoover, when are you going shopping, nag, nag, nag. 

Gobby Gabby he called her!

His customers were worse though and really did his tree in.

It's not arrived. It's the wrong colour. It's the wrong shape. There should have been two. I ordered water bombs, bleat, bleat, bleat! It never stopped. The twats were never satisfied!

What did they expect from an eBay trader selling balloons from home, the crown soddin' jewels?

Bastion had really had enough. With the whole lot of them. A bunch of tossers! 

Recently his ebay feedback had been dropping too.

Negative complaints were flying in. Nothing was going right. His business was falling apart and he knew it.

He needed a new product and quick before everything he'd done went down the toilet.

Something amazing and fresh. 

A balloon that would blow their socks off!

But there was nothing. His mind was blank, scrubbed clean by nagging and bleating and god damn moaning.

He went for a shit upstairs. 

Bollocks! No toilet paper! His idle twat step-son had used it all and pissed off back to bed!

Leaving his trousers in a heap, Bastion burst into his room in just his Y-fronts and stood there agape, his jaw dropping to the floor.

Robin was naked on his bed face down, a plastic pipe up his arse attached to a hot water bottle, whilst watching a You Tube show called My Enema is Your Friend.

"What in Christ's name are you doing Robin?"

"For God's sake Bastion you bastard, get out, GET OUT!"

Robin flung his arm upwards showing him the door, unwittingly launching a wad of toilet roll toward Bastion, thickly covered in coffee and shit.

It landed smack in his face with a splat and shite juice dribbled into his mouth.

It was quite simply the last straw and something snapped in Bastian's brain.

Snapped. Like a twig.

Bastion quickly ran downstairs and grabbed a tank of helium.

Back in Robin's room he roared like a mad man.

"You want something up your arse do you! Well try this sicko!  - 

You're FUCKED!"

Bastion ripped away the hot water bottle and attached the pipe to his tank and yanked the screw to open.

"Bastion! Noooooooooooooooooo!"

His step-son's scream tailed off in a high pitched whine and suddenly stopped as the gas completely inflated his entire body, his pale skin stretching and expanding and slowly but surely his body beginning to rise off the bed.

"Jesus, he's floating .... Like a god-damm balloon!"

Bingo! Fuckin' hell, It was Bastion's eureka moment!

"That's my new product right there! A Lazy bastard Robin balloon! Yes!"

He unplugged his step-son, who by now had stopped saying anything. Bastion wasn't sure if he could still him with his tiny piggy eyes in that massively pumped-up head, but he couldn't care less. At long last the idle swine was doing something for his family business. 

Bastion tied him to the bed post with string and his step-son bounced around in the air.

"God damn! This is great! Human inflatables! Why didn't I think of it before!"

Taking a sneaky swig of gas himself for the hell of it and rushing to his laptop in the back office, the excited eBay trader was desperate to list his new super special airated product.

It was whilst standing near the back lounge door that he heard some loud and distinct groaning.

Groaning of a sexual nature. 

He walked in the room.

For the second time that day Bastion was speechless. His eyes bulged out of his head! 

On the sofa were his wife and Huff, his Evri package collection guy, shagging like dingoes in the doggy position.

They hadn't noticed Bastion standing at the door.

"Jesus Christ, is everyone in the goddamn house getting some action today. Now Huff and my Missus!"

He smiled like a maniac.

Bingo again!

"Yep, you two are really gonna rise like a couple o' ..... Pies!"

Bastion, giggling, left them humping and grabbed another bottle of helium and a double pipe, which he dipped in a mazola bottle in the kitchen for lubrication.

He quietly crept up to Huff and shoved one pipe right up his arsehole and pushing him aside, shoved the other pipe up his wife's too!

"Now you're both really STUFFED!"

Bastion frantically turned on the gas hardly able to contain his excitement.

The two lovers wailed in agony as the helium filled their every nook and cranny, pumping them up to hideous sizes.

"Well Huff, it's  well and truly up your chuff now!" Howled the demented Bastion. 

" And Gabby, you'll be pleased to know I'll sell you and your Robin at totally inflated prices! Ha, ha, ha!"

Having tied up the ballooned couple, he left the door open so that he could take photos of his three human inflatables and list them on eBay. 

"Unique, one of a kind opportunity to buy prototype life-size human balloons. Made of a special material hard to tell from real skin. Ideal floating by the pool or the gate. Amaze your friends. Top-up gas tank and pipe thrown in."

Bastion was thrilled with his listing and the bids started to pour in.

"Fuck, it's a goldmine! I need to find more ... Hmmm, Inflatables! Ha, ha, ha!" 

Rubbing his hands together and completely round the bend, Bastion picked up a gas tank and was about to go see his Grandma when the door bell rang. He took a quick swig of helium.

He answered it, his Y-Fronts coming down, scratching his bollocks. 

It was Stan, Robins real dad, the Chimney Sweep man. He was still at work so had his sweeping rods slung on his back.

"Howdy Bastion, I've come to see my boy".

Both men hated each other but for the sake of sanity they'd always kept the peace.

Sanity was up the duff now and Bastion had a glint in his eye. He still had hold of a tank of helium, gas hissing out of the pipe. 

"He's, he's tied up Stan. Yep, tied up," whistled Bastion in a high-pitched helium-induced voice, eyeing up Stan's mouth intently, wondering if his pipe would slip in easily.

"Well he texted me earlier and said he'd be in mate." Replied Stan aware that the other man looked slightly nuts today.

"Nope. He hung around for a bit and split", responded Bastion chuckling, aware of his own comical double entendres.

Just at that moment there was a springy, squelchy, slappy sound as the stairwell behind Bastion got darker.

Something was coming down the stairs .

Or more precisely, floating. 

Robin's inflated body had got loose and was bouncing between the wall and the banister making it's way slowly down.

Stan saw his son, stretched like a drum, bobbing towards Bastion in the doorway. 

"What the fuck have you done to Robin you fuckin mental case!"

Bastion felt the ballooned boy bounce off him, looked straight at Stan and grabbed his neck, violently attempting to force the hissing gas pipe down his throat. 

"Oh no you fuckin don't you deranged moron!" Yelled Stan, a black belt in Judo, and threw the astounded Bastion over his shoulder with a perfect Ogoshi. Like a Samurai warrior he took out one of his long chimney rods holding it low like a spear. His fury was palpable.

With the inflated Gabby and Huff having come free too and wafted into the hallway as well, all three human balloons jostled Bastion towards the enraged Stan with his prone rod.

It only took a split second for Stan to shove it deep up Bastian's sweaty arse and along with the three balloon people watch the bristle head come out of his mouth and re-open like a shit-flecked flower.

Attaching further rods, Stan hoisted the google-eyed Bastion higher and higher and impaling the free end into the lawn the skewered balloonist waved about in the breeze for all and sundry to see.

Stan held onto his Robin's string and they both looked at the swaying man.

"Well son, you might say your step-Dad's been well and truly SHAFTED!" 

Howling, Stan, walked off holding his boy, as Gabby and Huff floated off together into a bright red ring of wilting sunshine before popping and dropping onto  a passing Evri van.